A Bit About The Author

So you've read about my life, but you don't really know me.


Ive left the blog anonymous because I didnt want just a single group of people to identify with me, I wanted it to be able to help everybody who wished to know something.

For this reason I wont disclose my name or location but Ill let you know other random bits and bobs about myself.

I am, if you don't know, a female.
Im an Aries.
I'm the Director of a Company.
I like cats, dogs, rabbits, pigs and basically all animals and Im against animal cruelty.
I'm not a vegetarian, no. But fair enough if you are.
I prefer Horror over Comedy and Rom Coms but I do like 'Stand Up Comedians'
I'm very much a 'girlie girl' prefering all things aesthetic, rather than au-naturale
I have 4 Alevels and 2 years of a Degree.
I like documentaries on serial killers or 90s gritty, english crime scene shows - wire in the blood, waking the dead, jonathan creek (I know, not really policey)
I'm not big on music, I dont really have a genre, I think im quite open to very much all of it.
Politically I don't have a party, but I do vote (Im a woman, its basically a sin if i dont)
I'm not religious, but I respect my friends who are and I'm still interested.
I have 2 tattoos.
I love shopping and cocktails.


 At some point, I will reveal my identity but I think it will be very much in the future.
So until then, youve got 7.046 billion to guess through (If you've even bothered)

Have a lovely night or morning

x




 

Confessions of Panic Disorder is now Panic Attacks

Ive changed the name, if you can notice (Not sureee, Im not good with this sort of stuff)
I also had a little Google check to see where we're coming up - I say 'we' I actually mean I , but I do like to think of us as a sort of community (readers and myself) Yes I know still confusing. Ill stop using collective terminology now :)

Anyways, what I found particularly upsetting is how many blogs I found with people who described themselves as being their illness.
You are not panic disorder, panic attacks, panic, anxiety. You are you.

Please do not ever feel that you are a slave to whatever 'it' is.
It is something uncomfortable, inconvenient and upsetting thats jumped onto your life, but it is still not you.

How hopelessly depressing to think of it in such a way and what a horrible message to give out to people.

You are a beautiful collection of many things.


UPDATE: I did go on to beat anxiety 3 years after writing this; read how in my latest post HERE 

How I think Im going to get over it

Well Ive been feeling much better.
Anyway I've been having some really long and brilliant thinking time, its strange that now Ive got more time on my hands Ive got passed the point of being down about it and got to some really critical, analytic and positive thinking.
Anyway Its took me about 2 years but I finally sort of realise what it is that bothers me, its 'catastrophizing' When something happen my head FEELS like its the end of the world although that thought doesnt cross my mind and I dont think "The world is ending"
I feel the blackness of doom and despair and like everything is bad but I dont actually have those thoughts, I think because thier subconscious, ingrained and so automatic I probably don't notice.
Yes I realise Im being a bit manic but Im sort of giving you the dialogue of whats been floating in my brain and piecing it all together.
I feel bad because I think Ive failed (already knew that about uni) but obviously this is now being applied to all sorts of aspects of my life so the feeling associated with it, is now being projected onto other situations and clearly makes me feel downright shit.

In retaliation to this, Ive been  remembering the times when Id walk round the city when I lived there, on my own, shopping without a care and actually enjoying my own company and the freedom and independence.  Ive been visualizing it in my head, the shopping trips, the walks to restaurants, then the meals at the restaurants, the nights out and this is really having a positive effect on me because BEFORE id been constantly reinforcing my fears by going over and over my panic attacks and how they felt and then in turn feeling scared.
Now im reinforcing the good. Its not "Im going to be ok in this situation because the outcome may not be what I think it will" Its hard actual proof that I once did those things and was OK.Its memories I can look back on and remember and feel.
I'm re-programming myself to feel how I NATURALLY felt before this happened because I think my anxiety is learnt.
I want the good feelings to be more powerful than the fears so that when i go into that situation, it isnt the bad panicky feelings that arise "last time I had a panic attack" "last time I felt really scared and upset", its the encouraging, confident and REAL memories I want to prevail.

Ive tried to find this somewhere on Google, but I got bored of looking at higgldy piggldy websites that say coping mechanisms are the way forward. No thanks, Id rather re-programme my own mind than live in fear forever.  I was ok before the attack, and then after the attack I restricted my life as I was frightened of having another attack. I was applying what Id LEARNT to other siatuations (adapting) because my mind mistakenly believed it was protecting itself.

I guess the way round it is CBT related (Im going to have to concentrate  on making the memories powerful and then go into the situations - remember the whole Harry Potter and Death Eaters "expecto protronum" situation, its like that) but Ive never heard the cause of panic explained to me in such a way I understood why it had happend, and Im big on whys and how comes. 


Do you remember a time when you didnt panic?
Think about it and FEEL it.
You could have, like me, spent a whollle load of time reinforcing the anxiety attacks, the feeling of sheer terror, the dread and the shit times and your mind is going to fight like hell to bring them back in your head when you do something 'scary', because it thinks its looking after you - "Heyy look at this memory, look how you felt last time. Run home girl, its not safe here!" Think the survival instinct on acid. Its up to you and me, to fight it. Yes Ive been giving it a half hearted attempt previously, but now Ive got my own head around the 'why is this happening' I feel like im well equipped with dealing with it.
  
What else?

Having no job was making me feel pretty shit, yea it happens to everybody but still repetitively going over the "ill have no money" "I have no purpose" thoughts really does make you feel crappy even if you have someone 'whos been there done that, worn the t shirt and has now got a new job' telling you otherwise.
So,  after awhile I thought, no Im actually the director of a company. Yes is might be online, and not running YET as in nobody can pay using their card for a few weeks, Still its a big achievement for someone who's in their early twenties.I looked from a different perspective, not because anybody asked me to but because Ive obviously still got an optimist in me yet. (Go on Girl)

I also went onto my old Facebook Account, and purely by chance looked at my old inbox messages to my partner from when I lived in the city centre in a cute little apartment that looked like I was in cell block H. (Id have some great dinners with some of the Chinese girls that lived in the apartment too, introduced them to Sambucca and Indian food and honestly was so fricking social, always out for meals - yes I was a thrifty student always in my overdraft but i was happy and always out and about, shopping like I said) The messages I read showed a complete juxtaposition from myself then to now, I was so happy in my language, talking of the night out Id had previously with a flatmate, how Id meet him at the train station when he came back (Id walk the 2 miles and enjoy it) and I had an exam the next day

It didnt make me think, shit look what I'm like now, it made me think I AM STILL that girl, Ive just got to relearn going out in a busy environment and being independent.

I remember my first ever night there, Id never lived away from home and I was frozen like a statue in bed, quite sad and unsure what I should be doing with myself. When the flat mates moved in the next day, I still wouldnt catch a bus into town prefering to walk, but over time that changed and Id happily hop on one to the centre of town by myself, do whatever I needed to do and go home. I was the envy of my friends living in such a social, trendy place able to go to famous and up and coming places.
This is only 2 years ago.

I was scared, but I got over it because I was in the situation so long I had to. If I didnt go shopping, I wouldnt eat (well yes If i had things in the fridge but they'd run out, but it called for more independance)

Im going to hold onto this, re -reading this post and the messages and visualizing the times I had there, even writing them down and meditating about them at night if I have to. I learnt to be anxious because of one horrible day (if you dont know that story read it  HERE) and Ive reinforced being scared in most aspects of my life as opposed to before the attack when I lived in one of the busiest cities in the UK.

The other thing is - If I try things, what is the worst that's going to happen? Ill feel like I did 2 years ago, and 2 years later I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm still OK.

You could have them days where you are thinking "whats the point" "when is this shit going to end" - I do, we all do. The point is you, you are fucking worth it, you are worth a lovely life thats as sociable and fear free as you are happy with and YOU are going to get there. (I'm glad I wrote it this way, because like I said, Ill read this back to motivate me as well)

Tomorrow I'm going into town to get my provisional so I can pass my driving test like I said I would. That's one of the steps.
After reading this back and editing it, Im feeling nostalgic and actually reallyyy wanting to go back to the city and I might go tomorrow - Ill let you know.

1st Jan I will be posting my Vision Board for the year. Lets see what I can do when I try, because Im bored of knowing what I can do when I dont.

Love x

Health is Wealth

Hello,

Well I had a huge chat with my parents after the whole 'is diazepam making me depressed' turns out I got a lot of home truths that really did make me feel a hell of alot better.
Im feeling shity because Im not in the job that I want, not where I want to be and not going where I want to go. Ive let panic attacks effect my life and Ive become so unhappy with the consequences.
But, as sad as Ive been Ive had nothing to spur me on. If I dont go to uni will I still have a roof over my head? Yes. If I dont get a job tomorrow will I still eat? Yes. Ive lost my independence, my drive The trouble is, Ive had no leverage to get off my backside and start fighting for my right for a decent life.

I'm stuck in this "my lifes crappy but Im ok to be like this" cycle.

Not anymore.

A friend of mine said that being depressed has allowed her to build herself back up to be the person she wanted to be.

Sometimes you've got to hit rock bottom, to reach higher than youve ever been.

So, Im applying for my provisional driving license again, I'm joining the gym, I wont be taking any diazepam again unless absolutely necessary and I may even take drastic measures by cutting myself off financially from my parents and partner so I bloody well have to go out and do things without asking for a lift because I cant bare to be out alone, or sitting in the house because im 'scared' of going to the store. Why? because I absolutely cannot feel shit and helpless like that again, Im a grown woman.

Downfall of Diazepam

So ive still been feeling realllly shitty, generally down and blue but tonight I was feeling really detached from reality, which only really happens at the peak of my panic for a few seconds, but this happened without panicking. It was really unsettling unpleasant and honestly I felt hopeless and awful :(!! I was convinced nobody could help me.
So turning to the only thing I had, diazepam, I took 1 2mg tablet and told my partner how I was feeling.
I came home and told my parents how crappy and not myself I felt. Basically grabbing at straws because at this point I genuinely thought I was losing my mind.
However;
Could It be the diazepam?
Remember my mum saying its like methodone?
I told her the detached and black moods I was feeling and she told me to look up the side effects. Obviously id done this before taking them but faced with sheer terror, youll pop anything.
Depression is a side effect as is trembling which at the moment im shaking head to toe and cant control it. Not a panic tremble but twitches from my hands, thighs and stomach. Obviously the tablets arnt agreeing with me on a physical level but could they be interfering with me mentally?
When these things eventually wear off will my mood be lifted or can I attribute the feelings to being out of work and having quite a few panicky moments recently which have disheartened me and made me question how ill cope with another job, how ill get there ect?
No idea but fingers crossed ill feel better in the morning. Its 23.53 and im feeling quite tired.
x o x o

Down day

Hello,
Having a down day today.
Because I have so much time to think im thinking back to when I stopped going to university, how ive let panic alter my life.
Judging from the fact this was 2 years ago its clear to me that not finishing my degree has had a big impact on my life.
In my parents eyes ive not become the high achiever they expected or wished for. I know this obviously weighs heavily on my mind.
Along with the past, ive been worrying about the future. Will there ever be a time when I dont panic? Will panicking impact anymore career opportunities?
Ive got alot of time on my hands to ponder all of these worries before I begin working again and sometimes its hard to have a healthy attitude towards a situation that has been greatly influenced by panic attacks.

However, writing this is alleviating my worries and im a great bealiever in fate.
Panicking has caused me huge suffering, stifled some of my 'dreams' and generally been a nightmare but ive been guided to something I genuinely enjoy which is a new career path entirely. Would I have found this without quitting uni and joining a role which involved this? No.

Every cloud has its silver lining.

Also I feel as though there is a link between depression and anxiety. When I feel hopeless and nothing will get better I do start to panic.

Positive thoughts = no panic.

To be honest I think im going through a lot of turmoil ending my job, with the future uncertain and having no routine. Ill let you know how I feel tomorrow x x

Tonight

Hello!
Well not quite the day I thought id have.
Ended up watching an episode of Poirot then going to the pharmacy for my partner then we went out for a meal.
Not a restaurant that far away but it was still nice to 'test the water' as it were.
I had a small glass of white wine with my meal and I really feel fine!
Im staying over with him at his parents house and honestly, I feel like im back to myself. If I have a fleeting thought of anxiety or escape, I correct myself that I dont need to go home, im in control of my mind and if needs be I have tablets. Feeling alot more confident in myself! Ive noticed my vision has been slightly impaired, as I said last night with typing and that doesnt seem to be wearing off but I dont mind. Its a small price to pay for calming down and ive taken nothing today :-)

Goodnight all! Wish I tried them sooner

*Please consult your doctor/physician if youre thinking of medication*

Morning/afternoon!

So I do feel a bit sluggish but I woke up with some refreshed enthusiasm and determination. Positive thoughts = positive life. How can I stop having panic attacks if I only think of worse case scenarios and what ifs? I think if I change my thoughts, I can change my fear. Im going to try harder to attack and question worries and then flood my mind with positivity. I cant think like sh*t and expect to one day wake up "better".
Also, I now know the tablets really work. I can take one even two in the event of an attack.
So today the plan is to get some nice foods, movies and head on over to my partners whos feeling quite poorly. Ill let you know how I get on.

You cant have a positive life, with a negative mind.

My most recent attack & taking diazepam (valium)

Hi All,

Well ive not had the best day..
Let me fill you in on what Ive been up to:

My partner has come back from working away and I resigned from my job to go to another place of work starting November 20th.
Ive been quite bored, doing minimal work on my own business venture in my spare time and doing quite a lot of travelling with my partner to 'make up for lost time' Places he wants to go, meals out ect.
I dont think Ive acknowledged how many stressful things I have going on at once. ( I hate thinking I have it any worse than anyone else so I'm not trying to say I'm starving, poor ect)
Ive been putting pressure on myself to do everything my partner wants to do, out of fear that if not my anxiety will be the downfall of our relationship. I think many of you will be able to understand. The thoughts of "if I don't go here he will be disappointed" or "why cant i be a normal girlfriend for him" All of which are unfounded by the way, as my partner is very understanding, but if you love someone you worry.
Being out of a routine and not being in the highly pressurized and fast paced environment I'm used to, has sort of knocked me for 6 and given me a lot of dangerous thinking time.
Ive found myself being rather down in the dumps which Ive always thought contributes to being anxious.

I finally hit breaking point the other day when I burst into tears because I couldn't face going to the shopping center / mall/ whatever you would like to call it because we were stuck in traffic and it was making me freak out. I was worrying about the amount of people there, what if i panicked, how would we 'escape' if i did panic and how would i calm down.
I felt so guilty and angry with myself for 'ruining' his holiday and not being this perfect, sociable person I had encouraged and wished myself to be when he came home.

Today I booked a doctors appointment and after going without 'meds' or any tablet/medical help for so long agreed to try diazepam 'as and when' the panic came on. - So not regularly and not long term.

I felt quite happy with myself but decided not to take them today as I had a 'girls night in' tonight with a friend and a date with a bottle of wine. (Youre not meant to mix valium and alcohol)

When I got home, I started to feel slightly defeated that i had 'given in' to tablets. That I coudlnt 'do it on my own' Stupid really as Ive not failed at all, If anything Im triumphing because Im doing something about it.

I spoke to my mum who - as great as she is being mumsy- doesnt agree with tablets, said they are "as bad as methodone", I need to get a hold of myself and that I need to see someone. To me, this smacks of my first panic attack where they(Parents) suggested I should be sectioned if I didnt 'calm down' As you can imagine, hearing this off the one person in the world who is meant to do everything in their power to look after you freaked me the f*ck out  (Excuse my french)
I started to feel dizzy - very unusual for my panics, and I felt sheer terror with thoughts like "What if I panic, how will I calm down?"( As the tablets had obviously become my fail safe) I decided I needed to go to hospital as nobody could help me. Completely ridiculous when writing this now, but in that moment, you feel like cutting out a part of your brain in the only option. Anyway I somehow reasoned my way out of that, and decided Id go to my bestfriends house who is imensely suportive, absolutely brilliant and talking me though this and has also had panic attacks and tablets to 'ease' them.

*Just received a text from the partner to say hes then when I need to talk - Utterly brilliant man - smiles*

Back to tonight.

I got half way there, in the car with my 'tries to be there but cant or wont comprehend that mental health problems arnt something to lose your fucking mind over' Mum which I suspect in her efforts to get me there, was her last ditch attempt at helping me tonight , and I had to turn round. All I coudl think of is that the tablets would go some way in helping me.

I came back home, went online to look at what sort of dose I ought to take whilst in the midst of panic. The muscles in my legs were tight, my thoughts were uncontrollable but I remeber half heartedly chucking a 2mg tablet into my mouth and saying "Im doing this for me because I deserve to fele better"

I went onto Facebook to scour throught profiles, aimless staus updates, anything to keep my mind off what was going on and you know i honestly honestly feel better.

Now I AM NOT SAYING rush to the doctors and demand some tablets.
Im just saying, in my case after 2 years of trying to  "do it myself" , briefly having a course of CBT and only taking these when I actually had a panic attack they have worked ( 1 2mg tablet).

I think its been about 20-30 minutes. I briefly had a headache for around 5 minutes. I dont feel light headed just abit 'slow' For example im an extremely quick & accurate typer but Im having to correct my spelling every so often. Maybe its a placebo effect and its all in my head, but I honestly dont care.

Id happily take a drug, compared to methodone or not, if it takes me out of that sheer terror.

Im wondering about the future as you cant take them forever understandably, I can image i really will want to. I'm a bit hesitant about going back out still - nobody in their right mind wuld want to bring that back onto themselves but Im optimistic. So ill let you know if and what happens if i do!

During this I drew a parallel with my mum. She wasn't present during the original panic attack but every one since. I wouldn't blame anybody for bringing this upon me, I think that being around someone who doeskin seem like they can 'help' you in that situation inst great. I love my mum to bits and I couldnt be anymore greatful for all of the love and support both financial and emotional Ive had since the begining of my life. I just dont think some people deal well with it.

For example shes just offered to take me to the spa next month. Yes im greatful and so blessed to have such a selfless and generous parent but thats not really going to sort out my anxiety is it.

Saying that, my wonderful partner just dropped off a beautiful bunch of red roses. - Maybe I am being a bit hard on my mum.

Il let you know how I feel tomorrow, but in short Im Impressed with how fast acting and effective they are in the panic attack.
My plan is to live my life as normal, trying things and if it gets too much then I will take them.

Interesting watch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrvPClgh8I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Weekend Away

Hi All,

I went for a weekend away this weekend. I was quite looking forward to it because its only 20 miles away but takes awhile to get there and I wondered how Id get on with the journey.
On the way I did have a panic attack because it was really foggy and we were on the moors. I started thinking oh my god I need to go home, Im going to go crazy the usual irrational thoughts I experience. But I go so panicked I did hit the point where I thought right, this is as bad as its going to get and I couldnt get anymore worked up than I was.  When I got to the destination, I must admit I didnt feel better but I got on with having my time away like Id planned.
On the way home I was quite anxious about taking the same route but when I was nearly home I thought strangely that Id like to do it again. I didn't expect to think this, I thought Id be thoroughly fed up but instead I had the feeling that id like to push myself to acheive it again and then again.
I know that if you repeat something over and over again it does get alot easier - my job for example.

So, although I didnt have a panic free weekend.
I DID go away and I Will do it again.
It didn't put me off going away, its sort of reignited the fighter in me :)

Panic 0, Me 1.

find what scares you &

 

DO IT ANYWAY

PLEASE READ #mentaltogether

After reading a recent story about a young person who had committed suicide, I felt a real desire to make other sufferers of anxiety , agoraphobia, panic attacks, panic disorder etc aware that although life may be a lonely and frightening and a never ending shit storm of hell sometimes, we are strong together.

WHY?
We can be a force for change.

• 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year

• Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain.

With these sort of numbers in the UK alone, it is inevitable that our voice is heard.

Having a mental health issue shouldn't be taboo, its an illness just like asthma.

With winter months approaching, a time that can be most challenging for sufferers, I thought it could be an idea to make a little bit of a stand.

By posting #mentaltogether we can show sufferers and non sufferers that mental health issues are common. They are nothing to be ashamed of and they can be spoken about - which may help those finding it particularly hard, as we all do sometimes.

Some of the best advice Ive ever had has naturally come from other sufferers and they've inspired me because if they can do things, why can't I.

I am not looking to change the NHS, I am looking to change people.

If you don't want to do this, that's absolutely fine.

I personally believe that being part of the human race, people have a duty to do whatever they can do for humanity. If this gets a few people tweeting, then great, if it could possibly change or save someone's life, wonderful.

Please re-post & tweet <3

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Progress

HI All,

Well after deciding i was just going to do everything, ive actually done everything so far!

Went to a family function last week. Usually id be apprehensive of not being able to leave as I was on my own and not with anybody with a car, but I was fine. I thought to myself that if i needed to leave I could, at any time I wanted to. I even got in the car with two people Id never met before for a lift!! I would have never done this before!

I also did some walking yesterday to meet a friend. I never do this alone but I was fine. I thought that if I felt bad at all there were houses all around and someone would be able to help me. I then went out last night and didnt worry about it at all!

Ive noticed that people are being much more vocal about their own mental health issues. There was someone at the family function who suffers with anxiety and is really open about it. She even left to go to the hospital half way through after suffering an anxiety attack and came back. I thought how brave!! It just goes to show that perspective really matters.

Someone very close to me is also suffering from mental health issues and from observing how much people are helping her and how she is dealing with it, it really opened my eyes. There really is less stigma attached to it now and its made me much more comfortable accepting it.

If I have a panic attack, Ill go to the medical centre and I will be fine. Its fear and thats all it is :) It doesnt make me a freak



xxxxxxxx

Fear

Do you ever have those times where you consciously observe yourself being worried about something and your 'before' brain comments, like a reflex, on how ridiculous it is?

So I think "Oh that's scary" and my 'before' brain (myself before the panic) , without effort from myself, will be like "how daft that's easy"

How strange that you still have conflicting thoughts. Is that evidence that you are NOT your thoughts, they are just products of a crazy situation that tried to set the precedent for the rest of your life and doesn't always succeed?

Anyway, I just had a conscious conversation with myself where I thought, what would happen if I decided I was going to do everything I was frightened of? For the first time, in a long time, I had real clarity over the thoughts going round in my head. Sort of like an observant role where I could question the validity of my fears and thoughts and what I was doing about them

Although I do something about my panic, I still live my life, I've not ticked everything off my to do list, my crazy list I have of what 'normal' people would be doing.  Now I'm not being hard on myself, I know I'm doing great and Im so proud of how far I have come but there's always one bit more I'm happy to dream about doing. Dream, not do. I think Ive hit the point where I'm back to having a comfort zone, my comfort zone has grown but its sitting stagnant again.

Can a conscious decision to do things really equate to actually doing them. Is it enough?

Well, Ill let you know how I get on!


xx

Anxiety does not define you. You define You.

Interesting quote:

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
Stephan Hoeller 

I have said before that this 'anxiety' could be an opportunity. I hardly got on a train before because I didnt like them and anxiety gave me the kick to do it one day. Maybe we are given tests, to prove to ourselves that we are strong enough to get through tough times.

I am not weak because I have anxiety, I am strong- because I have anxiety and I still get on with my life x 

Thoughts

Hi All,

Feeling a bit down today if I'm honest. Wondering if there is a link between feeling down and feeling anxious. Always seems to come at the same time.
However, Im still super proud of my walk home the other day!

Going to listen to the trusty HonestGuys before I go to sleep tonight. The anxiety video should serve me well!

I think that's the difference between me now and my first panic attack. I know how to cope with things better and don't think "oh my god there's nothing that can help me". There really is!

Been having a look at the stats for this blog, they're really starting to pick up again!
I hope Im helping in some shape or form!!

Uploading some inspirational pictures now!! Ive found some good'uns as Id like to say :)


Night all!!

(If you have trouble sleeping tonight, hot chocolate or milk, breathe in for 3 and out for 6 and put The Honest Guys on. We've all been there, and we're all still here :) You're not alone & you can get through this.

Goodnight xx

Doing things you thought you couldnt

Well im on my road and ive just walked home from work ...on my own! First time ive done that and it wont be the last.
At first I found myself waiting for that make or break thought - something will come into my mind and make me too scared to do this. Did it? Well sort of but when it did I make a conscious decision that I was going to do this for myself. And here I am..
Im at my front door as I finish typing.

Love xx

REALLY USEFUL!

I almost forgot to reccommend this!

This I have found absolutely amazing on nights I want to chill out or feel dis-heartened.
I cant recommend this enough!

'Relief from Anxiety - A Guided Visualisation' from The Honest Guys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_jcEpwKQXc

I also find this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ
 Brilliant if you're feeling slightly worried and need to regulate your breathing.

 I find the videos from them absolutely fantastic!

Breathing in for 3 and out for 6 is also really good.


xx 

Drink Responsibly

Hello all,

Well the other night I indulged in one too many glasses of wine. I was celebrating with family and ended up mixing Red and White wine. The next day I was absolutely crippled with anxiety. I still went out shopping around town but I felt the all too familiar symptoms of terror, adrenaline and worries I hadnt thought for awhile.
This time I was much more equipped to deal with the situation and just kept telling myself that this is a symptom of having a hangover and didn't try to 'escape'. I must admit it did make me cry though and its not something I will be doing again!
This situation has made me reflect on other times I have been anxious and Im slowly connecting the dots.
Although Im unsure If i was drinking around the time of my first ever panic attack, I know I was drinking the night before I had a panic with my friends while going through Macdonalds drive thru, Ive also panicked after heavy drinking for a friend's birthday whilst going onto the motorway.
On this basis, as I said before, I will definitely be steering clear of excessive drinking and stick to one or two glasses! 
Im feeling better today and shant let this get in the way of my progress!!

Lots of Love!

Big Test

Hi All,

I may have recently mentioned I have a train journey dwindling in the near/distant future.
Its across the country, on my own so Im quite scared If Im honest!
I really want to do it as it will mean the world to my partner and although hes been really supportive I feel like panic has been the third person in our relationship. Id really like to do this and show him how much I appreciate all of the help and love he's given me to help me over the past year.
My plan is to do more things on my own up until then - My thinking is that this will gear me up for the 'Big Tamale' I really should stop using metaphors to make it seem even more overwhelming :(!

I may also use something I found quite helpful once which is 'Bach Rescue Remedy' Or test out a few herbal 'calmy calmy' supplements in the run up - If i do Ill let you know how i get on!

I knowww - If ive become so independant why do I need herbal remedies to take the edge off - This is the first journey Ive done solo in my life over 300 miles. I think Ill need something a little extra for my first go!

 Either way Im getting on the 'Express' Train which means theres no stops but the journey is quicker.

My plan is to post the whole journey so you see everything from my eyes.

Ill keep you posted! 

Im a mobile 'blogger' again

Ive downloaded the blogger app onto my phone so I can keep you up to date everyday again!

I also thought id let you know what ive done this year (that I thought I couldnt do)

In my last post I said I hadnt gone abroad, strictly speaking ive not been to spain or anywhere exotic or on a plane yet however I did go to Wales with my dad. Over two hundred miles away, on a motorway and saw the sea. Did I also mention it is another country!! Pretty good going!

Ive been on a train! I do need to do this more often but it was suprisingly easier than anticipated.

Ive been shopping in the city centre and other big shopping centres. Usually id die at the thought of this since its where I had my first panic attack. But no. I went right past Next and the infamous toilets and had a lovely afternoon spending more money than I should have :)

I suggest days or nights out when I wouldnt have dreamt of doing this in Oct 2011.

Hello strangers,

Its been over a year since I last posted and my its been a rollercoaster of a journey.
I left univeristy and started a job, something I hold as a big achievement as Ive held it down for nearly a year and never had a full blown panic attack there, ever!
Infact, my last one was 8 months ago nearly. Wow that sounds so wonderful adding it up.

Whats been happening?
In all honesty, work , work work. I have a day job where i project administrate. Gobbeldy gook I know but its basically organising a few managers. Not my ideal job but Im just glad Im on the first stepping stone on the career ladder. I also have another new business which you will have to wait and see, as I do, how it turns out.
I go out quite frequently now, for drinks and for meals out with friends and my fiance. Who is still my absolute rock by the way :)

I wanted to write as Id been reminded about this blog and didnt want to 'give up' on anyone who may be in the situation as I was when I wrote about my first panic attack.
I used to wonder when it would ever stop, was I destined to be sat in the same four walls, in the same town forever. I promise you it will pass.

Two things I have learnt:

Repetition, repetition, repetition. The first day at work was hard, infact the first week. Id worry(not full blown panic) and think well if i panic i can get my mum to pick me up etc. But after awhile I really did get used to it. Like I said before Ive never ever had a panic attack

 You will be pleasantly surprised. How you imagine a situation to be, is usually not how it will turn out at all. Recently I went to a fundraiser in a town about 15 miles away. I know, its a short distance, but its somewhere id never been before so it was a new challenge. I thought oh god, I bet ill get scared on the way and have to talk myself down from a panic attack. Nope, I really enjoyed the scenery and celebrated my worry free journey with a well deserved malibu and coke.

What else can you do? Rely on yourself.
You are your own friend. Sometimes I do have to talk myself down as it were. I say to myself "what if i panic?" but now I reply with "ok, but what if i dont, how proud will i be of myself if i go there. just do it babe"

I recently found out Ill need to go to London in a few months and this started to worry me a bit. When I came on here, like i said, I read my first panic attack situation and it gave me a huge lump in my throat. That fighter that was so hopeful and intent on getting her life back is sat right here, with a full time job able to go out and do what she likes. Granted Ive not gone abroad yet, but I will do and seeing just how far Ive come is an incentive enough.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

 

Keep going.