Thursdayy - finally something WORKED for me

Hello all!
So I did my CBT homework and got on a bus. The next day I went to my CBT session and told my therapist Id done what he suggested and survived. He then told me to get on a longer bus journey eg back from university. I was slightly anxious about this because this is what I was meant to do on the day of my massive panic attack in October and I couldnt get on the bus because I was panicking.
Anyway I agreed to do it because Im seeing how far I can push myself, an experiment of sorts.
The next day ( Wednesday) I went to university as usual and it was fine. I didnt panic in my seminar at all.
On the way back, a little away from university, I got on a bus.
At first it was sheer terror because I had seen my dad drive away and thought "oh god this is it" I was clutching my phone thinking "ill text him and get him to come back, Ill get off the bus I cant do it" But I thought no, lets see how long I can do this and not text him. I forced myself to sit there and thought If this feeling is as bad as it is going to get, bring it on. My heart was pumping, I was shaking, sweating and thinking I needed to escape but I didnt I stayed on the bus because I deserve to have a panic free life. I told myself I was stayin on that bus all the way to the end and you know what happened?
After 15 minutes my panic had gone altogether.
Thats right gone. I was sat there looking out of the windows and thinking this is ok.
My CBT therapist had told me I wasnt allowed to use any 'safety behavious' eg talking positively to myself, distracting myself. I had to focus on what I was doing. And you know what it really worked.
I sat there and really went through hell but I made it, and after the panic had risen to its highest point and I didnt escape or start texting or distracting myself, it died away.
I pulled into the bus station and felt so happy and proud of myself!!!!! Ill never forget that feeling.
Not escaping from the situation and facing it was the best thing for me personally because every time I leave a situation because Im scared it always makes me feel worse and the anxiety is more prolonged.
After my bus journey I had no knock-on effects like feeling upset or shaking, I felt amazed with myself.
Today I got up at 6am ( a lot earlier than usual) to go out with my friend to a different town, which is not what I would 'normally' do as a panicker. On the way there I kept telling myself you can do this, if you panic you know what will happen and youll get through it. I didnt panic and stayed out for 8 hours today :)
I got home and felt very productive and tidied some of my house before making tea and relaxing with a small glass of wine.
Im very proud of myself this week! I URGE YOU trust me and face your fears.
It needs a serious degree of effort and you have to believe in yourself! I am so sick of panic Ill literally throw anything at it so I am.
 When you feel that wave of panic come over you dont rush to escape, stay in the situation and focus on it. After awhile I PROMISE it will decrease and after awhile you may not feel any anxiety in the situation at all. This may take 30mins - 1hr but it WILL go away! It is a self - fullfilling prophecy so if you think it will beat you, it will! BUT if you Take it on and say you will not beat me, you cannot hurt me, I swear with every ounce of truth I have it will not.
YOU deserve a life unrestricted by panic and the only way thats going to happen is if you take it by both horns and say Ive had enough, things are going to change and be brave.
I found it so so hard I wanted to cry on that bus, but I won the battle, I sat on it.

I hope this was helpful, it really really did work for me!! xxxxx

Waiting to get on the bus..

So im on the bus now. Paid my £1.80 :) slightly anxious but im feeling good! Bring it on kind of mood. Its set off. Comforting it goes as fast as a car. Nice big space not claustraphobic at all. Bus driver also seemed really nice. Looking out of windows. Not many people on it either. Feeling fine. Breathing steadily in threw nose&out threw mouth. And there I am nearly at the stop I said Id meet my dad at :) better than i thought amd defonitely not what i expected. Negative thoughts really arnt reality. Completed my homework woohoo!!xxxx

Monday

Hello! Its Monday night!
ON Friday my partners sister came round with her boyfriend. It was nice to see them both. I then went next door to my friends for a drink.
On Saturday and Sunday I mostly cleaned the house for when my partner comes home! Its been quite relaxing to be honest.
Today I was quite anxious about travelling to hospital with my friend for her hospital appointment, but I kept telling myself that it was a serious appointment and she really needed me there so I just got on with it. Months ago I would have panicked I was too far away from home and would have had to let her down and feel really bad about it, instead I knew I had a mobile phone so I couldnt get 'stuck' anywhere and I was in a hospital - if anything its the safest place to be haha! When she was in her appointment I read my magazine and did a crossword. This really helped me to distract myself from thinking negative thoughts. We got a taxi home and I didnt panic once during the journey!
Tonight Im going to get on a bus, which is the 'homework' my CBT therapist gave me for tomorrow morning. I know Ive left it late but Ive had a busy week and aslong as I actually do it then thats fine, no point stressing myself out with it. After my CBT session Im going bakc to the hospital with my friend. I think doing this again will reinforce the fact that nothing bad will happen to me and that I can travel again. Yipee!
Getting on with things and not thinking up excuses is really helping me to 'quit' anxiety. Instead of thinking "what can I say to get out of this" I just do it instead.
My CBT therapist told me that If I stay in a situation for long enough my anxiety will start to decrease and if I repeat that situation again and again eventually Ill have no anxious feelings towards it. This is my mantra at the moment and im sticking with it.
Again I will repeat what I always say. In October I really thought I shouldnt be here anymore because I was just 'existing' by not fullfiling any of my goals and not going out, now Im beginning to live again. If I can do it so can you!!!! Trust me, Ive been there.
xxx

Thursday

Hello all, I havent blogged in a while but I have lots to tell you!
On Monday I went to uni with my mum. I was a bit frightened because I hadn't travelled far with my mum since October. The journey was fine though! I kept talking to her about my plans for the week and general things and when we got there I walked a longer than usual distance to my seminar and didn't panic at all! I came out feeling very pleased with myself! That night I rang my partner and he was happier that I wasnt as upset as I was on Sunday.
On Tuesday I went to my NHS cognitive behavioural session. We talked about my fears and what situations I would find most challenging. To be honest I expected to feel a lot more reassured by him but he is a post graduate trainee and obviously is doing his best. We decided that the next step in 'getting better' was for me to get ona  bus this week. I havent done this yet but will probably try tomorrow. Im slightly dubious but I suppose I had to leave my comfort zone one day!
I also went shopping that night and felt fine!
Yesterday I went to university again and found the experience quite relaxing. The room was quite high up but I kept thinking about how many people had anxiety and that I would be fine and this comforted me. It was my mums birthday so we went to a lovely restaurant in the town centre afterwards. I didnt really panic in the taxi because I was excited about the meal and I really appreciate spending time with my mum and dad now that I dont live with them. I forgot all about being anxious once we got there and after a few hours we left to go to a pub. Im proud that I achieved a lot yesterday and had a really lovely time! It didn't ruin my day or night.
Tomorrow I have person centred therapy again. Although its nothing like CBT I find it very therapeutic and calming to speak to someone who isnt in my life.
Im feeling very positive and Ill let you know how my bus journey goes! The best piece of advise I can give you is to rationalise. If I panic I 'talk myself out of it' so for example I think things like "Im fine, I won't pass out, nobody is looking at me, Im happy, I want to do this, just be brave" This really works for me and takes out the adrenaline feeling I get in my stomach.
I know it can be very unpleasant, believe me the thought of returning to the state I was in in October terrifies me but I know this wont happen again. Im in control and if anything, October gave me a lot of experience in tackling and managing panic. In my experience what you think may happen and what actually happens are very different things. I thought that when I started uni again Id have a panic attack every time I went and Id have to quit. Since starting Ive missed one seminar and havent had one panic attack during the journey or being there. This just goes to show that the negative panicky thoughts arn't realistic and there is NO POINT in avoiding situations because you have nothing to fear.
  Don't think of things as happening to you but happening for you.
 Perspective really helps me to cope from day to day :)
xxx

Sunday

Hello all,
You've caught me on a very interesting day!
On Friday night I went to a social gathering at my friends house. I was slightly panicky because I hadnt been in awhile but I got a lift with my friend and calmed down when I got there. After a few hours we decided to go into town. My friends car is extremely small so I was worried Id feel a bit claustrophobic and panic I couldnt get out but I told myself Im fine. If I panic Ill just ask her to stop and Ill be ok. I was fine and even suggested we take the roof off her convertible! I must have been feeling brave.
I had a brilliant night and didnt even think about going home which results in me getting in at 4am!
Saturday I felt very hungover and a bit strange. Im sure alcohol can have some sort of affect on your anxiety so I went for a run to clear my head and make me feel less poorly.
I got abit scared whilst running my second lap of the fields which I live by so I decided to go home. When running home I got myself really panicked and I have no idea why. I was thinking to myself "oh my god my house looks so far away" This is the first time I have felt like that in a long time and when I got home I was quite disappointed wondering why Id let it take over my life again. I know this sounds dramatic but I think Im quite hard on myself and if I have any lapse I start telling myself Im back to square one.
My friend then came round because we were attending a 21st together. I thought Id feel a bit funny in her company because Id panicked that day and thought she might think I was acting quite strangely by being restless and breathing heavily but I was ok. We got ready together and even took a detour on the way to the party. I did get quite panicky because I dont particularly like travelling at night time or going to places I wouldn't usually go but we were at the venue before my fears could materialise.
The party was really good. Me and my friend chatted and caught up with each other and it was a successful panic free night.
However today my mum told me that my dad couldnt take me to university tomorrow. Obviously I have been travelling to and from uni with him since October and this frightened me a lot.
I worked myself up into tears and rang my partner. I thought to myself "I cant do this, Ill never be able to get to uni by myself" and even became scared Id have another episode like the one in October. When I spoke to my partner though he was absolutely brilliant. He rationalised what I had been thinking and told me how far I had come in 5 months. He told me to be patient and that big changed wouldnt happen over night and in his words " babies must crawl and walk before they run" He also said I do have control over my own mind. My mind doesn't make me go and kill somebody else I have a choice. This really got me thinking in the 'right' way.
I thought to myself "yes I have come really far because before I couldn't even leave the house" I also recognised the symptoms of a panic attack like feeling dizzy and having racing thoughts and told myself it was just my body and adrenaline. I reassured myself I wasnt crazy and kept the statistic in my that 1 in 4 people have experienced a mental health problem at one time. This has really helped me today and now Im back in my living room watching television feeling rather calm.
Today has shown me that I need to be less harsh on myself and hopefully shown you that even I who is usually quite positive and panic free still panics. Im still a panicker but I will get better with time :)
Talking really is the best medicine and Im very lucky to have such a supportive partner. I think I may write my own personal tips on panic now, having relived the feeling in the last hour! I know what works for me and I hope it can help you also.
xx

Thursday

Hello, I did my challenge for the day and went shopping in the town centre. I decided not to go to the other city with my mum in the end.
 Got a lovely dress for the 21st Im attending on Saturday and even went for lunch after with my mum. I didn't think about panicking once and just got on with chatting to my mum about my partner and my plans for the weekend. It was a really care free day :)
Ive had a 'coca-cola' tonight and its made me a bit jittery because of the caffeine but this hasn't worried me at all. I definitely wont be having another this late at night again though, I dont think Ill sleep haha!
I hope you've all been doing well this week, even If you've just attempted one thing. The most important thing to remember is that you might find doing something stressful in the beginning, I did when I first started going to uni again, but this will pass as you get used to doing it. The anxiety about the activity will decrease as you realise there is nothing to fear and nothing bad will happen because you've done it loads of times and nothing bad has happened before.
Im going swimming tomorrow and haven't done this for awhile but I know Ill be fine! Thinking positive thoughts :) I don't have person centred therapy until next Friday as Im doing it every 2 weeks now that Im feeling more confident.
Hope you all have a productive Friday!
xx

Hello all!

Hello I know its been a few days since I last wrote a post but Ive been very busy and had some crazy things happening in my personal life with my partner!
On Monday, I went to university and went to my friends house afterwards instead of doing this on Tuesday. This was one of my 'challenges'.
The next day I FINALLY got an appointment for coginitive behavioural therapy with the NHS that very day as there had been a cancellation with another patient. I was very dubious at this because my person centered therapy is working very well and I am working on the presumption that 'if something isnt broken, dont fix it'. However, I went along to see if the therapy could make any head way with my anxiety about travelling and about things I havnet yet accomplished eg going on holiday abroad. The session was very brief as it focused on introducing me to CBT and what it was about. I will let you know how I get on with it. My next appointment is 9.30am next Tuesday.
Anyway, my day became even more 'out of the blue' when I was informed my partner had been involved in an accident. This is all the information I can disclose unfortunately without making my blog biased and diverting from its true purpose. This made me slightly emotional last night but today I went to university again and did my food shopping.
Suprisingly I was very calm and relaxed going into my seminar. I was a little early but kept telling myself I would enjoy the hour as I like my lecturer and that it would only take an hour. Maybe this is because I had other things to focus on, but Id like to think it is because my anxiety is decreasing even more. My fleeting thoughts about 'being too far away from home' or 'not being able to breathe' are becoming less frequent the more I reassure myself with positive statements. This is a very comforting feeling and one I have waited for desperately! I also went food shopping and panicking did not cross my mind at all.
However, tomorrow my mother is taking our dog to the vets in another city, about an hour away. Im not sure if Im ready to challenge this length of journey yet, especially as my partner is having hospital treatment and Im quite stressed. I keep thinking this is a rubbish excuse and I should push myself though it. I will have a think about this tonight but I doubt I will go. This week has been quite stressfull so far, regarding my partner and I dont want to over do it.
I am feeling very content with my life and can't wait for my partner to be home. I have definitely come on 'leaps and bounds' since October 2011 and Im really proud of myself.
For about 10 minutes or so before writing this, I remebered having my panic attack and ringing my friend saying worrying things such as 'im going crazy, im going to hurt myself' because I just wanted the racing thoughts in my mind to dissapear and I couldnt stop panicking or calm myself down. Its really upsetting to think I said that about myself but also showed how far Ive really come. That night I wanted to be unconscious or asleep and now Im sat here talking about it and realising it will never happen again. I know I cannot erase the past, but I wont let it be my future. I think this is a very positive thought to leave my post on and I will write again tomorrow to let you know what I have decided to do!
I hope some of you are getting some useful information from my posts! You're not insane, you will get better and you are normal!
Goodnight and keep strong!
xx

My make a list challenge

So for this week I decided it would be a good idea to do something 'out of the ordinary' each day. My list is:
Monday - go for a 30 min jog after uni
Tuesday - go to friends house
Wednesday - walk to the local shop
Thursday - go shopping in town centre
Friday - counselling
Saturday - attend friend's 21st Bday
These are achievable goals and will give me more confidence about future tasks when I have completed them. If I can do it, so can you! I hope youre attempting even one thing this week :)
It might be daunting but you will feel all the better for it when youve done it!
Xx

Therapy

Hello had my therapy again today! Finding them to be increasingly retrospective as I havent had a panic attack in awhile!
Im very positive and optimistic. I have looked on my first panic episode as an opportunity rather than a hinderance. It has forced me to address the fact I was anxious instead of brushing it under the carpet and allowing it to continue which I did in the past. I have had to face my fears and conquer them. This in turn has made me more optimistic because I can and have done the things I previously thought I couldnt and more. As I have said before I strongly believe in fate and that this has given me the platform to better my life x