Hello strangers!

Hello again. I realise it has been many months since I last wrote and for that reason I owe you an explanation. 1 of the reasons is that I moved house and had no internet connection however, this had its benefits as I could observe my experiences with less bias as I had nobody to report back to ect.
I will let you know what Ive done since I last spoke. I have sat some of my university exams and when I begin again in September I will be in my last year (yay) I've been on numerous nights out, some in other cities! Ive even been 250 miles away from home.
And now youre thinking what is your secret and how the heck have you done this?
Basically I have come to the conclusion that you must make peace again with your mind. When you are anxious and it effects your life greatly, your mind is very muddled with racing thoughts and worrying that you will think things that in turn makes you think them things! Through spending time thinking to myself and rationalising I have been able to 'make friends' with myself again.
A great great GREAT book i can recommend is 'metacognitive therapy for anxiety and depression' by Adrian Wells that I bought on Amazon. The beginning is very technicial and I did become slightly frustrated that it didnt give me a miracle cure on page 1 but when you realise this is something you have to understand in order to get past it, then you get to the really good stuff. I'm about half way through now but the biggest thing that the book has taught me so far is that these thoughts eg 'i need to go home' 'i'm not safe' 'i'm going to panic' are just thoughts and they are not actually you and if you think about it this way you can get on with your daily life observing them but not paying attention, if you get where I'm coming from.
I too found this hard to grasp but if I explain it in this way it may become clearer. Say you have a hangover or a tummy bug, you feel unpleasant. BUT if you start to think about sickly things such as another alcoholic drink or food you will feel even worse and probably be sick as will anxious thoughts put us into a full blown panic if we are already anxious.
What do we learn about being ill? Well for one it will pass (in most cases where someone is not seriously ill, which we are assuming non of we are) How many people are 'sick' or 'hungover' for a year? Nobody. Being sick does not put you off ever eating again or ever drinking. Most of us would drink another alcoholic drink without a second thought even though it had previously made us poorly.
I find this idea very comforting. Yes you might be anxious but so what? It will go away and cant last and It shouldn't put you off doing certain things.
Using this idea, I dont ignore anxious thoughts I just think to myself they are things that occur in my mind and I don't pay attention to them.
I know this is very hard to understand and it does take practise. Sometimes I can be out and about and have to say to myself 'that was just a thought' but this is ok. My CBT therapist actually advised me against this because apparently 'self talk' keeps the thoughts going. I think this is ridiculous. Anxiety (i think) is a learnt behaviour and reflex so by doing this we are retraining the mind to observe but not act on such things.
Now I find I do not pay attention to things as much. When I was very anxious Id think all sorts of things like 'Ive just taken another step that means Im further away from home, this is very bad and Im not safe' Id pay attention to my surroundings so much I couldn't function. Id lie in bed and think my breathing was going to fast or my heartbeat was. Now Ill find myself thinking about future plans or what I'm having for tea.
Ill admit I have still things I want to do that I haven't done yet but I now believe in myself and think I can do this whereas before I wouldn't even consider it!
I walk the dog everyday, I go on nights out and for meals and I can do simple things like go food shopping without listening to anxious thoughts telling me to leave. We all have good days and bad days and this is OK.
Another thing Ive learnt is dont be so hard on yourself.
One week I found myself being so demanding on myself I couldn't do anything without panicking at all! Just because you cant do everything you want in one week, it doesn't mean you wont be able to do some of the things the next!
Talk to people. Since this whole experience, I've spoken to so many people about how I feel which lessens my embarrassment and makes me feel more comfortable and in turn less anxious! Panic attacks are so common you wouldn't believe. I guarantee you will know people who have had or having them and just don't say anything!

The last thing I'll say is you will get better and this is something Ill promise you, because you will.
I do loads of things I didn't think I could do and so can you!!

"you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it"


"smile through the storm, it will be sunny again soon"

Thursdayy - finally something WORKED for me

Hello all!
So I did my CBT homework and got on a bus. The next day I went to my CBT session and told my therapist Id done what he suggested and survived. He then told me to get on a longer bus journey eg back from university. I was slightly anxious about this because this is what I was meant to do on the day of my massive panic attack in October and I couldnt get on the bus because I was panicking.
Anyway I agreed to do it because Im seeing how far I can push myself, an experiment of sorts.
The next day ( Wednesday) I went to university as usual and it was fine. I didnt panic in my seminar at all.
On the way back, a little away from university, I got on a bus.
At first it was sheer terror because I had seen my dad drive away and thought "oh god this is it" I was clutching my phone thinking "ill text him and get him to come back, Ill get off the bus I cant do it" But I thought no, lets see how long I can do this and not text him. I forced myself to sit there and thought If this feeling is as bad as it is going to get, bring it on. My heart was pumping, I was shaking, sweating and thinking I needed to escape but I didnt I stayed on the bus because I deserve to have a panic free life. I told myself I was stayin on that bus all the way to the end and you know what happened?
After 15 minutes my panic had gone altogether.
Thats right gone. I was sat there looking out of the windows and thinking this is ok.
My CBT therapist had told me I wasnt allowed to use any 'safety behavious' eg talking positively to myself, distracting myself. I had to focus on what I was doing. And you know what it really worked.
I sat there and really went through hell but I made it, and after the panic had risen to its highest point and I didnt escape or start texting or distracting myself, it died away.
I pulled into the bus station and felt so happy and proud of myself!!!!! Ill never forget that feeling.
Not escaping from the situation and facing it was the best thing for me personally because every time I leave a situation because Im scared it always makes me feel worse and the anxiety is more prolonged.
After my bus journey I had no knock-on effects like feeling upset or shaking, I felt amazed with myself.
Today I got up at 6am ( a lot earlier than usual) to go out with my friend to a different town, which is not what I would 'normally' do as a panicker. On the way there I kept telling myself you can do this, if you panic you know what will happen and youll get through it. I didnt panic and stayed out for 8 hours today :)
I got home and felt very productive and tidied some of my house before making tea and relaxing with a small glass of wine.
Im very proud of myself this week! I URGE YOU trust me and face your fears.
It needs a serious degree of effort and you have to believe in yourself! I am so sick of panic Ill literally throw anything at it so I am.
 When you feel that wave of panic come over you dont rush to escape, stay in the situation and focus on it. After awhile I PROMISE it will decrease and after awhile you may not feel any anxiety in the situation at all. This may take 30mins - 1hr but it WILL go away! It is a self - fullfilling prophecy so if you think it will beat you, it will! BUT if you Take it on and say you will not beat me, you cannot hurt me, I swear with every ounce of truth I have it will not.
YOU deserve a life unrestricted by panic and the only way thats going to happen is if you take it by both horns and say Ive had enough, things are going to change and be brave.
I found it so so hard I wanted to cry on that bus, but I won the battle, I sat on it.

I hope this was helpful, it really really did work for me!! xxxxx

Waiting to get on the bus..

So im on the bus now. Paid my £1.80 :) slightly anxious but im feeling good! Bring it on kind of mood. Its set off. Comforting it goes as fast as a car. Nice big space not claustraphobic at all. Bus driver also seemed really nice. Looking out of windows. Not many people on it either. Feeling fine. Breathing steadily in threw nose&out threw mouth. And there I am nearly at the stop I said Id meet my dad at :) better than i thought amd defonitely not what i expected. Negative thoughts really arnt reality. Completed my homework woohoo!!xxxx

Monday

Hello! Its Monday night!
ON Friday my partners sister came round with her boyfriend. It was nice to see them both. I then went next door to my friends for a drink.
On Saturday and Sunday I mostly cleaned the house for when my partner comes home! Its been quite relaxing to be honest.
Today I was quite anxious about travelling to hospital with my friend for her hospital appointment, but I kept telling myself that it was a serious appointment and she really needed me there so I just got on with it. Months ago I would have panicked I was too far away from home and would have had to let her down and feel really bad about it, instead I knew I had a mobile phone so I couldnt get 'stuck' anywhere and I was in a hospital - if anything its the safest place to be haha! When she was in her appointment I read my magazine and did a crossword. This really helped me to distract myself from thinking negative thoughts. We got a taxi home and I didnt panic once during the journey!
Tonight Im going to get on a bus, which is the 'homework' my CBT therapist gave me for tomorrow morning. I know Ive left it late but Ive had a busy week and aslong as I actually do it then thats fine, no point stressing myself out with it. After my CBT session Im going bakc to the hospital with my friend. I think doing this again will reinforce the fact that nothing bad will happen to me and that I can travel again. Yipee!
Getting on with things and not thinking up excuses is really helping me to 'quit' anxiety. Instead of thinking "what can I say to get out of this" I just do it instead.
My CBT therapist told me that If I stay in a situation for long enough my anxiety will start to decrease and if I repeat that situation again and again eventually Ill have no anxious feelings towards it. This is my mantra at the moment and im sticking with it.
Again I will repeat what I always say. In October I really thought I shouldnt be here anymore because I was just 'existing' by not fullfiling any of my goals and not going out, now Im beginning to live again. If I can do it so can you!!!! Trust me, Ive been there.
xxx

Thursday

Hello all, I havent blogged in a while but I have lots to tell you!
On Monday I went to uni with my mum. I was a bit frightened because I hadn't travelled far with my mum since October. The journey was fine though! I kept talking to her about my plans for the week and general things and when we got there I walked a longer than usual distance to my seminar and didn't panic at all! I came out feeling very pleased with myself! That night I rang my partner and he was happier that I wasnt as upset as I was on Sunday.
On Tuesday I went to my NHS cognitive behavioural session. We talked about my fears and what situations I would find most challenging. To be honest I expected to feel a lot more reassured by him but he is a post graduate trainee and obviously is doing his best. We decided that the next step in 'getting better' was for me to get ona  bus this week. I havent done this yet but will probably try tomorrow. Im slightly dubious but I suppose I had to leave my comfort zone one day!
I also went shopping that night and felt fine!
Yesterday I went to university again and found the experience quite relaxing. The room was quite high up but I kept thinking about how many people had anxiety and that I would be fine and this comforted me. It was my mums birthday so we went to a lovely restaurant in the town centre afterwards. I didnt really panic in the taxi because I was excited about the meal and I really appreciate spending time with my mum and dad now that I dont live with them. I forgot all about being anxious once we got there and after a few hours we left to go to a pub. Im proud that I achieved a lot yesterday and had a really lovely time! It didn't ruin my day or night.
Tomorrow I have person centred therapy again. Although its nothing like CBT I find it very therapeutic and calming to speak to someone who isnt in my life.
Im feeling very positive and Ill let you know how my bus journey goes! The best piece of advise I can give you is to rationalise. If I panic I 'talk myself out of it' so for example I think things like "Im fine, I won't pass out, nobody is looking at me, Im happy, I want to do this, just be brave" This really works for me and takes out the adrenaline feeling I get in my stomach.
I know it can be very unpleasant, believe me the thought of returning to the state I was in in October terrifies me but I know this wont happen again. Im in control and if anything, October gave me a lot of experience in tackling and managing panic. In my experience what you think may happen and what actually happens are very different things. I thought that when I started uni again Id have a panic attack every time I went and Id have to quit. Since starting Ive missed one seminar and havent had one panic attack during the journey or being there. This just goes to show that the negative panicky thoughts arn't realistic and there is NO POINT in avoiding situations because you have nothing to fear.
  Don't think of things as happening to you but happening for you.
 Perspective really helps me to cope from day to day :)
xxx

Sunday

Hello all,
You've caught me on a very interesting day!
On Friday night I went to a social gathering at my friends house. I was slightly panicky because I hadnt been in awhile but I got a lift with my friend and calmed down when I got there. After a few hours we decided to go into town. My friends car is extremely small so I was worried Id feel a bit claustrophobic and panic I couldnt get out but I told myself Im fine. If I panic Ill just ask her to stop and Ill be ok. I was fine and even suggested we take the roof off her convertible! I must have been feeling brave.
I had a brilliant night and didnt even think about going home which results in me getting in at 4am!
Saturday I felt very hungover and a bit strange. Im sure alcohol can have some sort of affect on your anxiety so I went for a run to clear my head and make me feel less poorly.
I got abit scared whilst running my second lap of the fields which I live by so I decided to go home. When running home I got myself really panicked and I have no idea why. I was thinking to myself "oh my god my house looks so far away" This is the first time I have felt like that in a long time and when I got home I was quite disappointed wondering why Id let it take over my life again. I know this sounds dramatic but I think Im quite hard on myself and if I have any lapse I start telling myself Im back to square one.
My friend then came round because we were attending a 21st together. I thought Id feel a bit funny in her company because Id panicked that day and thought she might think I was acting quite strangely by being restless and breathing heavily but I was ok. We got ready together and even took a detour on the way to the party. I did get quite panicky because I dont particularly like travelling at night time or going to places I wouldn't usually go but we were at the venue before my fears could materialise.
The party was really good. Me and my friend chatted and caught up with each other and it was a successful panic free night.
However today my mum told me that my dad couldnt take me to university tomorrow. Obviously I have been travelling to and from uni with him since October and this frightened me a lot.
I worked myself up into tears and rang my partner. I thought to myself "I cant do this, Ill never be able to get to uni by myself" and even became scared Id have another episode like the one in October. When I spoke to my partner though he was absolutely brilliant. He rationalised what I had been thinking and told me how far I had come in 5 months. He told me to be patient and that big changed wouldnt happen over night and in his words " babies must crawl and walk before they run" He also said I do have control over my own mind. My mind doesn't make me go and kill somebody else I have a choice. This really got me thinking in the 'right' way.
I thought to myself "yes I have come really far because before I couldn't even leave the house" I also recognised the symptoms of a panic attack like feeling dizzy and having racing thoughts and told myself it was just my body and adrenaline. I reassured myself I wasnt crazy and kept the statistic in my that 1 in 4 people have experienced a mental health problem at one time. This has really helped me today and now Im back in my living room watching television feeling rather calm.
Today has shown me that I need to be less harsh on myself and hopefully shown you that even I who is usually quite positive and panic free still panics. Im still a panicker but I will get better with time :)
Talking really is the best medicine and Im very lucky to have such a supportive partner. I think I may write my own personal tips on panic now, having relived the feeling in the last hour! I know what works for me and I hope it can help you also.
xx

Thursday

Hello, I did my challenge for the day and went shopping in the town centre. I decided not to go to the other city with my mum in the end.
 Got a lovely dress for the 21st Im attending on Saturday and even went for lunch after with my mum. I didn't think about panicking once and just got on with chatting to my mum about my partner and my plans for the weekend. It was a really care free day :)
Ive had a 'coca-cola' tonight and its made me a bit jittery because of the caffeine but this hasn't worried me at all. I definitely wont be having another this late at night again though, I dont think Ill sleep haha!
I hope you've all been doing well this week, even If you've just attempted one thing. The most important thing to remember is that you might find doing something stressful in the beginning, I did when I first started going to uni again, but this will pass as you get used to doing it. The anxiety about the activity will decrease as you realise there is nothing to fear and nothing bad will happen because you've done it loads of times and nothing bad has happened before.
Im going swimming tomorrow and haven't done this for awhile but I know Ill be fine! Thinking positive thoughts :) I don't have person centred therapy until next Friday as Im doing it every 2 weeks now that Im feeling more confident.
Hope you all have a productive Friday!
xx

Hello all!

Hello I know its been a few days since I last wrote a post but Ive been very busy and had some crazy things happening in my personal life with my partner!
On Monday, I went to university and went to my friends house afterwards instead of doing this on Tuesday. This was one of my 'challenges'.
The next day I FINALLY got an appointment for coginitive behavioural therapy with the NHS that very day as there had been a cancellation with another patient. I was very dubious at this because my person centered therapy is working very well and I am working on the presumption that 'if something isnt broken, dont fix it'. However, I went along to see if the therapy could make any head way with my anxiety about travelling and about things I havnet yet accomplished eg going on holiday abroad. The session was very brief as it focused on introducing me to CBT and what it was about. I will let you know how I get on with it. My next appointment is 9.30am next Tuesday.
Anyway, my day became even more 'out of the blue' when I was informed my partner had been involved in an accident. This is all the information I can disclose unfortunately without making my blog biased and diverting from its true purpose. This made me slightly emotional last night but today I went to university again and did my food shopping.
Suprisingly I was very calm and relaxed going into my seminar. I was a little early but kept telling myself I would enjoy the hour as I like my lecturer and that it would only take an hour. Maybe this is because I had other things to focus on, but Id like to think it is because my anxiety is decreasing even more. My fleeting thoughts about 'being too far away from home' or 'not being able to breathe' are becoming less frequent the more I reassure myself with positive statements. This is a very comforting feeling and one I have waited for desperately! I also went food shopping and panicking did not cross my mind at all.
However, tomorrow my mother is taking our dog to the vets in another city, about an hour away. Im not sure if Im ready to challenge this length of journey yet, especially as my partner is having hospital treatment and Im quite stressed. I keep thinking this is a rubbish excuse and I should push myself though it. I will have a think about this tonight but I doubt I will go. This week has been quite stressfull so far, regarding my partner and I dont want to over do it.
I am feeling very content with my life and can't wait for my partner to be home. I have definitely come on 'leaps and bounds' since October 2011 and Im really proud of myself.
For about 10 minutes or so before writing this, I remebered having my panic attack and ringing my friend saying worrying things such as 'im going crazy, im going to hurt myself' because I just wanted the racing thoughts in my mind to dissapear and I couldnt stop panicking or calm myself down. Its really upsetting to think I said that about myself but also showed how far Ive really come. That night I wanted to be unconscious or asleep and now Im sat here talking about it and realising it will never happen again. I know I cannot erase the past, but I wont let it be my future. I think this is a very positive thought to leave my post on and I will write again tomorrow to let you know what I have decided to do!
I hope some of you are getting some useful information from my posts! You're not insane, you will get better and you are normal!
Goodnight and keep strong!
xx

My make a list challenge

So for this week I decided it would be a good idea to do something 'out of the ordinary' each day. My list is:
Monday - go for a 30 min jog after uni
Tuesday - go to friends house
Wednesday - walk to the local shop
Thursday - go shopping in town centre
Friday - counselling
Saturday - attend friend's 21st Bday
These are achievable goals and will give me more confidence about future tasks when I have completed them. If I can do it, so can you! I hope youre attempting even one thing this week :)
It might be daunting but you will feel all the better for it when youve done it!
Xx

Therapy

Hello had my therapy again today! Finding them to be increasingly retrospective as I havent had a panic attack in awhile!
Im very positive and optimistic. I have looked on my first panic episode as an opportunity rather than a hinderance. It has forced me to address the fact I was anxious instead of brushing it under the carpet and allowing it to continue which I did in the past. I have had to face my fears and conquer them. This in turn has made me more optimistic because I can and have done the things I previously thought I couldnt and more. As I have said before I strongly believe in fate and that this has given me the platform to better my life x

Brilliant blog!

Found this blog whilst researching and the gentleman's tips are fantastic! Give them a go! I am definitely going to put his 'time and a place for worrying' suggestion into practice. Great metaphorical use by likening anxiety to a faulty alarm.

http://getoveranxiety.blogspot.com

MAKE A LIST CHALLENGE

Hello again. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to do things whether social, domestic or work related so I thought you may like to participate in a challenge.
Make a list of things you would like to do, achievable or not which will begin on Monday. Lets say around 5 such as walking the dog for an extra 10 minutes than usual, food shopping alone, going out for a sociable meal with friends etc. I will also do this and post my list. Each day do 1 of these things. Hopefully this excercise will make you realise you can do things you previously thought you couldnt and encourage you because you know other people are also doing this! At the end of the week whether you have done 3 of these things or 5 you can be proud you did something you thought you couldnt! Even one thing is a step in the right direction! Get thinking x

Another day at uni!

Hello people!
This weekend I was very proud of myself because I went on a night out in the local town. I was abit worried about the journey there but I kept talking to my friends and thinking if I want to go home Ill just get a taxi. My night was really good and I even got a taxi home by myself! Today I went to uni and for the first time in about 5 months I didnt panic on the way there. I read my notes and made annotations. I must admit this made me feel a little travel sick but I kept thinking of positive things like going shopping afterwards with my dad and how excited Ill be to see my partner when he comes home. This kept me in good spirits and in my seminar, if i got panicky Id tell myself "its just one hour, dont think about your breathing just listen to your lecturer" I also thought to myself "you have no stress in your life" because do I really? No. I have a supportive dad who drives me to&from uni, a mother eager to give me hugs, my lovely cats who keep me company and my partner to look to the future with. This really put a positive spin on my day and I hope to keep thinking like this. As usual I will tell you that happiness really does play a role in my panic attacks and I think its essential to getting back to normal. I hope some of my posts are helping you. Like ive said before, in October 2011 I thought id rather be dead. Now in February Im conquering it. Love and support to you all. You CAN beat this x

My tips for happiness

Happiness has been a key factor in my life since this all began. If i wasn't having a panic attack, I was depressed because I though I was going to have one, I felt like it was ruining my life etc.
To combat this I propose you literally do what makes you happy whether this is going for a walk with your dog, watching your favourite films, having a pig out! , changing careers, crying when you need to release some stress...
Personally I was too hard on myself with university. I kept thinking I'm not doing as well as I did with my A levels, I wont get a 'top job'. This is ridiculous. Doing a law degree is hard enough and as long as I get the degree what else matters.
I was also unhappy with my relationship because my partner& I never communicated. This changed when we started to talk about our issues eg making time for eachother and this made me much happier because there wasnt as much tension and anamosity.
Some suggestions for you would be;
Get out of bed when you cannot be bothered! This made a huge change to me because my outlook on the day was a more productive one. My house is now tidy, well looked after and washing and ironing is always done. This in turn created a more positive atmosphere for me. A tidy home is a tidy mind! Plus this activity could be a distraction for you if youre feeling particulary anxious.
Crying. I always, always go on about crying. It is essential to releasing stress and emotions you're feeling. I actually read an article that said that crying releases the stress chemical in your tears. Although this can be stipulated, I think crying when you need to cry is essential. I speak to so many of my friends that say they cry for no apparent reason sometimes. Good! Crying never did anyone any harm. Bottling your feelings up is certainly not going to do anything positive for your mental and physical health. If you want to cry, sod it and cry!
Look forward to things. Make plans with family and friends so if you are having a bad day you have something to focus your mind on! "I can get through my day because.." I'm looking forward to my birthday in April and seeing my partner when he returns. This cheers me up when I'm low and I start to look for birthday decor, or thinking about what I can cook when hes home.
Exercise. Lots and lots of websites advise you to exercise when you're feeling low because it releases 'feel good' chemicals into your body. Personally I'm just happy with the thinking time that going for a walk or jog gives me. Its also a change of scenery if you have been stuck in the house or office and you need an escape.
Acceptance and forgiveness I was so angry with my mother and father for not listening to me for years when I used to panic which then culminated into panic disorder. My relationship with my mother suffered and this resulted in me isolating my from my family. I have now made peace with this because I realise I cannot change the past. This is my life and I will take control to make it better.
I was also fed up, frustrated, depressed that I had panic disorder. "Why me?" "why cant it just go away" Truth is sometimes it might happen but its not going to ruin my life. It will go away but it will just take time. Everybody in the world has been affected by some sort of mental illness whether it be depression, anxiety, grief... so I'm not a freak or 'not normal' because I panic, it is just a temporary ailment and I'm not going to be hard on myself because of it.
This is where my therapist really peed me off. She said "you shouldn't say that other people suffer so its OK because it sounds like you don't want to change" I do want to change and I will change, but whilst I am feeling like this I wont be angry or upset with myself because how will I ever be happy? I don't think she is right there.
Trust Yourself. This experience made me lose my confidence and rely on the opinions and advice of others. Obviously it is very beneficial to ask for help and I would suggest this 100% but also trust your own mind. From Octover 2011 I have become 'friends' with myself again. This may sound very strange but when I had my panic episode I lost all trust in my mind and body because I wasnt in control of them for those few days because of the panicky thoughts and sweating, trembling. Since then I have regained this by making my own mind up and trusting myself. I did this by thinking rationaly, doing little things by myself like going for a walk or going to the shops by myself. This made me realise I was safe to do things by myself without the reassurance of others and I was in control of my mind. I didnt rely on other people as much which made me feel more independant and that panic had less control over my life. This may be a strange concept to you but it has had a huge impact on me because I finally feel like Im back in control and can stop panic thoughts before they grow into a full blown panic attack.
Lastly, I'm not advising you go out, quit your job, split up with your partner and make rash decisions. I just think that making some minor changes to your lifestyle may benefit you if you're not in a happy place such as adding a walk to your daily routine, allowing yourself to have an emotional release, having a more positive outlook.
This is your life, you already have anxiety so dont let anything else affect you aswel :)

Friday

Hello! Yesterday I went to my friend's pub for a few hours. I was worried id feel a bit trapped once dropped off but because its my local area that I grew up in, I felt relaxed and eventually got a taxi home. This cheered me up a lot and showed me I can go back to my old sociable ways! Today I got a lift from another friend to H's house (a friend who no longer has panic attacks) We stopped at a petrol station and I didnt panic once because since the panic episodes I have only got lifts from my parents so I was really proud that Id broke that habit. I stayed at my friend's from half eight till half twelve with no urge to run home or panic! I just kept telling myself "you have money so if you wanted to go home you could"I stopped focusing on that and relaxed by 'getting into' the film we watched and concentrated on that. I turned down offers of wine because I was doing so well I didnt want to jepodise it. And to be honest I probably had a better time without it! We laughed and talked about old times and it felt as though nothing bad had ever happened to me. I urge you, if theres something you want to do, then do it. If your dog had an injured leg but you threw its ball, would it run? Yes because the enjoyment of chasing his ball would outweigh the pain. Live your life! Sometimes going to uni gets me down because its compulsory&not for my enjoyment and I think this contributes to the difficulty of pushing myself to go. The soul purpose of being sociable or active is for your enjoyment. Pushing yourself to do these things may be hard but these are things You enjoy so they will counter balance the panic you feel! Afterwards you will feel like you have accomplished something. I certainly feel like Im getting my life back even after the bad week I had previously. If I can do it, so can you! I believe in you.
I didnt have a counselling session because my mum's car was at the mechanic's but I feel fine and will be having another as usual next week. Stay positive, Goodnight!

Ash wednesday

Hello all! Decided I would give up panicking and alcohol for lent. I went to university today and kept telling myself "im happy, im fine and nothing bad will happen" This worked really well and although I had a little panic in my seminar who cares I still went :) I think a positive attitude is paramount with panic atracks. Ive since found some positive pictures that I think you may like

Confidential info on CBT waiting list times in NHS

So, I just came off the phone with a lady from the NHS who deals with CBT in this area. What I was told is absolutely disgusting and this is why it is paramount to support charities such as 'REthink' and others that push for change in the mental health sector.
The waiting time for any therapy in the NHS is 45 weeks. Yes weeks. Excuse my french but are they f****** mad!! Ive been on the list since April 2011 and apparently still have 10 weeks before I receive an appointment. What a good job I pay for therapy privately. But this is completely unnacceptable for people who cannot afford it and are desperate.
If you are in this position go to your GP and explain to them you need them to send a letter to the therapy services to hasten your appointment. Exhaust all of the self help techniques you can and talk to friends and family. It is alledged by the member of staff I spoke to that 500 people a month are referred to therapy services with only 5 clinicians. One thing that is clear is that the NHS is certainly not catering for the mentally ill and it is completely immoral and inhumane. If you need therapy make sure you are referred ASAP.
I do not want this post to worry you as you CAN help yourself. I havent had any CBT and just talk to my person centered therapist. You made not need it and waiting lists may be quicker and shorter where you are. Keep hopeful but also realistic. There is help out there, it may not be CBT and you will get better!

Happy shrove tuesday!

First of all I hope you've had your pancakes today!
I had a bad week last week and combined with my partner going away for a few months I was alltogether quite down in the dumps emotionally. Yesterday after I went to uni I decided to ring my friend 'H' to talk to her about how I felt. She also has panic attacks but has booked a holiday, holds down a job and does allsorts of things I havent mastered yet. I spoke to her about how down I was feeling and how I felt like panic attacks were again stopping me from living my life. She asked me what was the worst thing that was going to happen to me when I panicked. I said I dont know and she told me nothing. Of course I knew nothing would, its the fear of fear. This has put me in an optimistic mood. I know being frightened is absolutely horrible but its just a feeling and nothing bad is going to happen. Im going to keep telling myself this when I feel a bit anxious and keep thinking positive thoughts. I am going to starve the monster.
I felt quite bad when I started to let it take hold of me again as though Id failed but Ive not. I still go out and Ive come a long way. Sometimes you just need another kick up the bum to put you back on track. Im going for a run now as I find that quite relaxing and productive.
Have a lovely day!

Diary 6

Hello,
Had another counselling session on Friday. It went really well and I explained how depressing my week had been. She reiterated what I thought and told me that this was fine! After that I went food shopping feeling very positive and spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We went for a walk around the local park and even went to see his mother who I haven't been to see for months because of the panic attacks. This had made me feel really positive because I feel as though I have finally had a breakthrough. I think that my panic was attributed to the unaddressed stress and worries in my life. Now I am addressing these issues such as being frightened of being without my parents and seldom being independent, blocking out my feelings about my partner being away, being lonely living by myself and of the future I am starting to fight the panic a lot more. I have created the metaphorical situation in my mind that if I avoid situations, I am feeding the panic and making it into a giant monster that can ruin my life BUT if I carry on with my day to day life I will be starving the monster and eventually he will cease to exist :) I am not suggesting you give your panic a persona but to me it makes me feel as thought the panic is more conquerable and that I can fight it.
 The most important piece of advice I can give you at the moment is that you are OK. Human beings are absolutely amazing creatures that can come through anything including this. Don't be down hearted that you cannot do things right now, it will happen. Its OK to express your feelings. If I want to cry because my partner's gone, I will cry. And two things I have mentioned before, talking and positive thinking. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Life is a beautiful gift that you have been given and do NOT let insignificant things ruin it for you. Your brain was built for these challenges, you can come through them.

Bad week

Hello, let me tell you where Im at this week. Was having a really down week where I let anxiety get ontop of me, kept thinking nothing would get better. I didnt get up till lunch time and rarely went out. Today I had enough and had an epiphany. Everybody gets sad, down and fed up. Anything from money, relationships, work or health upsets them and this is ok. We are humans and we are built to feel! Theres nothing wrong with being down aslong as it doesnt last forever. So what about this week, who cares :) Its normal to feel xx

Journey home

Bonjuar, On my way home now. Proud that I did attend my seminar but feeling a bit sad that I have to have this constant bloody battle with panic. On the plus side Im obviously winning although I think it would be useful to purchase my own car and travel independantly which would boost my confidence. I wish I had the money! Nomatter how I feel though panic hasnt stopped me today :) xxx

Journey to uni

Hello! I am currently on the motorway/highway/autobahn to university and thought I would blog about my trip. Slightly stressed because I got up late and have rushed around which has made me more anxious but Im trying to relax myself by doing breathing excercises and thinking positively. Im sweating quite alot (how attractive) but a friend of mine who also suffers from panic attacks has just booked a holiday abroad and this has spurred me on today. If she can do that, I can do this. Im already off the motorway :) Some positive statements I have been telling myself are; "in two hours ill be on my way home" "nothing bad is going to happen to me" These are helping a lot. I will blog on my journey home&let you know how Im feeling. Hope this was useful xxx

Myths and Facts of Mental Illness

Taken from 'Time to Change'

 

Myth or fact?

Challenging the myths about mental illness can be a good way to get people thinking and talking...

• Myth: People with mental illness can’t work. 
• Fact: Chances are, you probably work with someone with mental illness

• Myth: Mental health problems are very rare
• Fact: Mental health problems affect one in four people

• Myth: People with mental illness never recover
• Fact: People with mental illness can and do recover.

• Myth: People with mental health problems are different from normal people:
• Fact: We all have mental health, just like we all have physical health.

• Myth: After experiencing a mental health problem, people are weaker.
• Fact: Many people who have gone through this actually feel stronger

• Myth: People with mental illnesses are violent and unpredictable.
• Fact: People with mental illness are more likely to be a victim of violence

• Myth: It’s best to leave people alone if they develop a mental health problem.
• Fact: Most people with mental health problems want to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues, it can be a great help in their recovery.

• Myth: I don't know anyone with a mental illness
• Fact: Someone you know or love has experienced a mental illness

• Myth: People aren’t discriminated against because of mental health problems
• Fact: Nine out of ten people with mental health problems experience stigma and discrimination.

Time to Change

http://time-to-change.org.uk/home

This website is doing an amazing job to raise the profile of mental health discrimination. There are also other people's stories and forums for you to talk to other like minded individuals. It is particularly inspiring because of the high profile persons involved such as Steven Fry. Take a look!

Dairy 5

Hello all,
I had another counselling session today which focused mainly on confidence. Although I have come to terms with panic, understand it and know how to challenge it, I lacked the confidence to do anything about it.
This is where our old friend avoidance crops up. Its so much easier to avoid 'scary' situations rather than address and confront them. I would constantly refuse to walk the dog, wouldn't travel to university or make excuses because I was frightened of feeling the panic again. Doing this just suffocated me and prevented me from experiencing life. It is a depressing and bleak situation to be in, believe me I know.
But, I am beginning to regain my confidence by talking down the gravity of the situation. I do this by reassuring myself with positive statements and rationality. "I can breathe, I can get to uni, Nothing will happen to me"
I have found doing things independently has also helped me greatly, like when I walked to the hospital by myself and going on jogs. This has shown me I do not have to rely on anybody else. It has also strengthened the reason why I think I am in this situation.
As a child I was very happy but I hardly went to other kids parties, night stay school trips, sleepovers, but did go out with my dad a lot. This helped me to fortify the bond with my parents but not to develop an Independence and over the years prevented me from developing a strong self confidence and belief. I would be the last person to blame my parents because obviously they have protected me, done the best for my life and I love them dearly but I think the refusal to cut the cord right up until university is what caused the stress and ultimately the panic of living in the real world without the emotional and mental tools to do this.
I may be wrong& it could be codswallop as I'm not a psychiatrist but one thing I firmly believe is that stress causes panic attacks. If I feel stressed I let it out instead of 'putting on a brave face'. If I want to cry Ill go and have a cry and I will always talk about how I feel. If you hold your emotions in, it's like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. It's so important to talk to anybody you can about the way you feel. Don't be worried they'll think your silly or weird, there are thousands of people like you!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

My personal panic tips!

These are things that have helped me through my panic disorder.

Breathe. I know its simple but the more you hyperventilate, the more physical side effects you are going to experience. You're already going through absolute turmoil in your mind, you don't need added physical pressures. In through your nose and out through your mouth always helps me because I think "I'm breathing, I am not going to pass out. This might be scary, but I am not going to die"

Talk. For years I was embarrassed to admit I was frightened of things that 'nobody else was' This just made it all the more scary when I went into a full blown panic episode because nobody understood why. At first people would brush it off and tell me that they "get worried too", they have "bad days too" but this just made me angry. Talk to someone about it, and if they don't listen, keep talking! You matter and your feelings matter! You might find you don't even need anybodies advice but talking helps you to understand and come to terms with how you're feeling.

No Alcohol. I used to drink to 'escape' the panic feeling. This is the wrong answer. When I drank I still panicked and felt less in control of my feelings and of the fear. Combatting anxiety is hard at the best of times without clouding your mind with alcohol. One or two drinks is fine, but don't binge drink to fight the problem. You can fight it, not the bottle.

Be positive. Things can seem very bleak because of panic attacks. I used to think "I wont get a job because I cant even go to uni, My partner will think I'm boring and weird and leave me, my friends will hate me for never going out with them, Ill end up in a mental hospital" Excuse my french, but this is sh*t.
I'm not mental, I have panic attacks. Even if there are things I cant do at the moment, I Will get there just like someone who has broke a leg will re-learn to walk. Putting a positive spin on your circumstances will improve your mood and even give you the enthusiasm and determination to go and achieve these goals.

Forgive the past. I was and still am, a bit bitter about birthdays I have missed or when I have let people down because I was frightened of going in case I had a panic attack. Forget what you did in the past, this is now and it is never going to happen again so move on. If we dwell on things we will never move forward.

My First day Back At Uni

Helloooo! I have been itching to write this on the way home.
I was a quite anxious last night before I went to sleep and when I got up this morning, but on the way there I was O.K. My dad kept telling me stories about his old dog and we talked about my seminar which kept my mind off the journey and my usual worry that is 'I'm too far from home'.
When I got there I was a little anxious to be 'left' at university by myself but I kept thinking to myself "just be brave for f*cking once" ( excuse the language) I kept doing my breathing exercises - in through my nose and out through my mouth and walked straight to the room. Thankfully I could go straight in.
During the seminar I didn't even think about panicking because I had so many questions and topics to talk about with the lecturer and other pupils, but if I did get anxious I would quietly do my breathing. I came out very happy and proud of myself and so was my dad.
The thing is, people say distracting yourself isn't curing the anxious problem, it's just taking your mind off your panic. No this is wrong. By going to university and not asking to go home or turn the car around I wasn't distracting myself from panic I was getting on with my life and not letting it take over everything. By reading a book, going out, seeing your friends, going for a jog and doing things YOU want to do, this is not distraction from panic, its saying panic isn't my life. I am not even going to acknowledge it as part of my life to have to distract myself from it.
On October 11th 2011 I felt like my life was over and I would never get out of bed. 4 months later I'm back at university, I'm going out with my boyfriend and it may not be much but its a start. I have got my foot on the first rung of that ladder to a panic free life and I will fight until I get to the top of it.
I find that happiness interlinks with anxiety much of the time. It is important to remember happiness is not a destination its a journey. I might not be panic free yet but I am definitely happy.

I didn't just do this for me, although it is my life I am trying to better, I did it for you too because if I can do this, so can you.

This time in your life can be shit, can be horrible, can be the most challenging thing you'll ever go through but when you do get through it, which you will, it will be character building, it will make you stronger and it will make you who you are.

I have no idea why God or fate decides to throw these things at us in life, but maybe it is to prove to ourselves that we are strong and we can do the things we thought we couldn't.

Thankyou Note

Came on here whilst writing notes for my seminar and I am so pleased with the amount of people looking on my blog. I really hope I am helping you in some way and this is beneficial to you and I am grateful you have taken time to read my posts!
Getting quite anxious about tomorrow but I am thinking positively about what I can do when I get home and about the weekend. Its an hour out of my day after all and that's nothing!
I will be blogging on the way there to give you an insight into how my journeys going and what I'm doing to prevent a panic attack. Hopefully through sharing experiences, anxiety and panic attacks will become less taboo and more people will talk about how they're feeling!
I am currently thinking of whether to reveal my identity and post pictures of my journey and life so that it is more personal to other sufferers and may start this next week. Let me know if you think this is a good idea!
In quite a sad mood today as my partner's not here, but I keep telling myself this is a normal emotion to feel when he is 200 miles away :)
Anyway back to my work, my kittens keep standing on the laptop!

Lasting thought - Do more than you think you can each day
xx

Helpful Youtube Videos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdtVC_wB0Jo
Quite motivational and short if you need a quick boost ^


http://www.panic-away.com/index.php
Promotional video for the 'panic away' method. I have watched this very pessimistically because I have seen many fraudulent vidoes promising to cure panic attacks which prey on the vulnerability and desperation of sufferers. Because of this, I may buy the set of disks and then let you know whether this approach is effective or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVhe5E14YUA
Genuine account of a man who began having a panic attacks from taking drugs but has recovered :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuR_VAww3Jg
One man's personal journey through anxiety, panic attacks, and depression

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zh-klfBJlHc
Relaxing meditation video. I used this video when I had my first big attack that I have written about in a previous post. It helped me to stay calm(ish) when my mum&dad returned from Turkey.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vaDln5cEiY
Meditation for anxiety, anger, depression.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_DuZigRzY&feature=related
'chakra' meditation for your mood. Very positive comments although I do not like her voice very muchx


Whilst searching I also found a video of a man having a panic attack on an aeroplane. I did not want to post this as it was quite distressing and didnt want to make anybody panic but it did show me what the behaviour of an anxious person appears like to others& comforted me as the other passengers were genuinely concerned for his safety and welbeing and were not unpleasant towards him.

A little bit about medication& my experience with it

It Almost slipped my mind to tell you that I have tried medication to combat my panic disorder. I have tried fluxotine, citalopram and propanolol.

General information for these medications can be found here:
Citalopram
Fluoxetine
Propranolol

In my personal opinion, I didn't want to carry on with medication because;
1) I felt it did not work to help reduce my anxiety and with citalopram, actually made it worse and
2) I do not believe treating the symptoms (i.e using propanolol to reduce the heart rate increase associated with panic) and not treating the cause of the panic is an effective way of 'curing' yourself of anxiety. 
This may not be true of you and I would never advise anybody to avoid medication because it may work to reduce the unpleasant symptoms of anxiety and this may give you the confidence to 'take back' your life.
The side effects were also quite upsetting. I never had a problem sleeping with anxiety but with fluxotine especially, painfull heartburn would wake me up every night at about 3am causing me to lose sleep and make me very depressed. I lost 13lb during this time and decided that the side effects outweighed the benefits fluxotine may have given me.
I found propanolol particularly frightening for the soul basis it says on the box, not recommended for anxiety. This made me question whether my GP actually knew anything about panic disorder at all (typing angrily) When I took the tablets they did slow my heart rate but this just made me feel like I was trapped in a lifeless shell. Inside I was screaming and on the outside I couldn't even work up an increase in my heart rate. Here again, medication is just masking the symptoms. It is preposterous to think that this medication can be used on a long term basis as a treatment for panic disorder. I would rather deal with my issues than pretend they are not there with drugs. Instead of coping and existing, I would rather live.  

Diary 4

Hello! Today I went for a meal with my boyfriend which I'm very proud of since I haven't been out for one in about 6 months! We got a taxi to the pub, had a lovely dinner and we walked home. Although I was slightly panicked, having fun and being out somewhere that I wouldn't usually go took my mind off my anxiety. This has shown me I can go out and do sociable things and made me feel less insecure about my partner thinking I'm boring or annoying lol!
Tomorrow I go back to uni which I am a bit anxious about because of the journey, but my dad is taking me so we will do breathing exercises on the way and hopefully the topic of my seminar will keep me focused and distracted. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow! I hope this doesn't make me feel panicked today because my boyfriend has returned to work ( he works away) so I'm feeling a bit sad about that and would prefer to be chilled out.
In the meantime I am going to go for a run around the park and then do some meditation that I have found on youtube. I will post useful videos I find in the next entry and let you know whether they worked or not.

Have a lovely, lovely day!
xx

Diary 3 06/02/2012

Hello again! Sorry I have not written in awhile but have been busy ( doing lots of things you'll be pleased to hear) so I have lots to tell you!
On Friday I had my second counselling session. It went very well and I always feel a sense of relaxation and calmness when it has finished. We have been talking about setting goals to make me more confident in a variety of situations starting from things I feel least panicked about to those that make me have multiple panic attacks. My most feared situation is being alone in the country again when my parents are away so I am trying to become more independent with food shops, walking to my friends or going for jogs alone and so on until I am completely self reliant if needs be and therefore I will not have to worry I cannot cope.
At first I was quite anxious and emotional about this because I felt like I was trying to climb a mountain but the fact is, I can climb that mountain, it is not impossible and I WILL do it because I refuse to let this ruin my life.
I have visited my friend's alone and while there I thought wow what if I panic, but for once I broke the cycle and thought no I can control this and distracted myself until I forgot all about it. I no longer panic when doing my weekly food shop and think if i do panic nobody will think I'm 'weird' or 'strange' because they will be more concerned with me being O.K. and the task of shopping takes me mind off my anxiety. A big achievement I am very proud of is walking to the hospital at night time to visit my boyfriend who had been in a car accident. As I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself  "wow that's frightening" but at the time I was so determined and preoccupied with the stress of something else, I did it by myself. I think the process of 'getting better' is just retraining your brain to understand you can do things and you will be fine. I have likened panic to a drug addiction - ridiculously hard to get over and is a habit that is difficult to break but you CAN stop that addiction just like cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.
We seem to live in an age where admitting that something has affected us is embarrassing and inappropriate and this is true of mental illness is general, something I have touched on in previous posts, however I have found that reassuring myself that I can tell my boyfriend, parent or friend when I'm panicky helps to relieve my panic because I know there is someone to support me and this takes off the added pressure of feeling like people will think I'm weird or strange when I start doing my breathing exercises, because it isn't strange. You wouldn't stare at an asthma sufferer for taking his inhaler.
Thinking positive and understanding stress is also helping me a lot. When I start to feel unhappy or panicky about life in general, I look on the brighter side of things. I have coped so far in much more challenging circumstances so why shouldn't I be able to now. I also think to myself "I am feeling this way because I am upset about stresses of university/paying the bills etc" so I am not worried about what I'm feeling and what it means because I know what my worries are and that my body is responding to the stress this is causing me. I can then deal with the issue and find a way of resolving it by either rationalising my worry - I have an exam. It is normal to feel anxious and anybody would, and thinking more positively - The journey to and from university will be fine but if I do start to get anxious I can play my music or relaxation tapes through my headphones. The journey will not last forever.
I also think that writing my emotions down here and talking about them to my counsellor is really helping to get them off my chest and stop them from lowering my mood. I can free my mind to concentrate on other things such as university work, planing social events with my friends and seeing my boyfriend instead of anxiety dominating my life.
Although things are going well I do realise I will have my bad days but I am now confident that other people feel exactly the same. I can write these anxieties down, talk to my counsellor or boyfriend about them and I will come out of it a stronger and more determined person.

My thought of the day is "If you don't give up you can never fail"

Keep going x

How to cope with panic attacks/panic disorder

1. Take your anxiety with you..........feel those sensations, knowing they are NOT a disease that will harm you/kill you. Learn to rebreathe into a paper bag, because most of the dizzy/light headed sensations are because of oxygen/carbon dioxide imbalance....rebreathing into a paper bag helps this or breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth.

2. Eat small regular meals, every 2/3 hrs. When we dont eat for a while, sugar levels are effected, and eventually adrenaline is released...causing more panic.

3. Get into a bedtime routine of...no caffine after 6pm, a warm bath, good book, bedroom nice temperature, and use music on low to help you drift off.

4. Try aromatherapy oils such as Lavender, or Neroli. A few drops in your palms, rub together, inhale. Use also as a massage in olive oil.

5. Read read read......by fully understanding panic and anxiety, you will be able to come to terms with it. Knowledge is the key.

6. DONT STOP going out to work or out socially. Your panic WANTS to control you, dont let it. Feel it, but go about your day.

7. See your GP, because medication can be of great help. Try counselling through the NHS or privately. Bach rescue remedy helps some people.

8. Talk to family and friends or post on panic forums to other sufferers.

9. Never give up.

10. Dont drink too much alcohol, it never helps anxiety.

11. Get some fresh air everyday, half an hour is fine.


This was taken from a forum I read on http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ posted by a 'Paula Lynne' I found this most useful& hope it will also help you too.

Mission Statement

Although I have written a welcome statement, I think its important to talk about why I want to do this. I want this blog to help people understand that they are not alone and they can follow me though my journey which will possibly give them an insight into what therapy they may wish to take or not take. Another important reason is that I have been through panic attacks and disorder myself, so when I read other sufferers on forums talking about how their life is miserable, their lives won't get better and how frightenend and vulnerable they feel it makes me even more passionate to help.
I have been the person trembling under the covers, the person who can't go even go to the shop or walk the dog or go to friends' parties and generally didnt act 'normal'. I got myself so worked up and panicked I actually asked to be hospitalised. This is not how ostracised and alone anybody, let alone a person who panics should feel, and if through being open about my own life or by posting any useful webistes I find can help just one person I will be satisfied.
You are not alone& you will never be alone through panic attacks or panic disorder.
xxx

Sufferers in the Media

Andrea McLean pulls out of Loose Women due to panic attack

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/tv/2012/01/28/andrea-mclean-suffers-panic-attack-and-pulls-out-of-loose-women-at-the-last-moment-115875-23723544/ 

Positive Statements SelfHelp

I found this website very useful when I was researching positive statements I could tell myself once I was in a panicky situation http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_00000a.htm

Here are the positive statements on the website incase you do not care to read the all of the material. However, it is advisable so that you understand how important positive thinking can be in your daily routine.

- I am healthy and happy.

- Wealth is pouring into my life.

- I am sailing on the river of wealth.

- I am getting wealthier each day.

- My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.

- I have a lot of energy.

- I study and comprehend fast.

- My mind is calm.

- I am calm and relaxed in every situation.

- My thoughts are under my control.

- I radiate love and happiness.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I have the perfect job for me.

- I am living in the house of my dreams.

- I have good and loving relations with my wife/husband.

- I have a wonderful and satisfying job.

- I have the means to travel abroad, whenever I want to.

- I am successful in whatever I do.

- Everything is getting better every day.

Diary 2 28/01/2012

Hello, I am back to write about my counselling session. It was with a lady around 40 who I told everything to. To be honest, it went really well and I came out very optimistic. Her approach was 'person centered therapy' where the counsellor helps the sufferer to find and understand the reasons of why they panic. If you wish to research this humanistic approach yourself here is a link - http://www.person-centered-counseling.com/
I think this is a benefit to the condition because the therapy looks at the cause of the disorder and not soley treating the symptoms which CBT does. This has made me feel positive about the future and more confident that I am in control of my life because I am analysing what is causing the anxiety, in my case I believe too many expectations from my parents, pressures of exams and being too smootherd growing up, leading to it being a culture shock when I had to become more independant. From this I am making a list of confidence building excercises which will help to show me that I will be fine doing things by myself and that nothing bad will happen that I cannot handle.
I am still on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy and am sure I will be for a very long time! Even though it is taking me awhile to have a session with the NHS, don't be disheartened by my experience as waiting lists could vary depending on the population of the area and how many counsellors there are. I have another PCT session the same time next week and I am hoping after regular sessions my confidence will grow and I can begin my list of goals.
Although I do have a momentary lapse of confidence sometimes, counsellors would not be in employment if it were not for people with conditions like panic attacks or panic disorder. If you do find that NHS counselling servies are taking longer than you would like to wait, there are many private counsellors with a variety of different approaches that you could speak to. It is important to remember that they must be a member of the British Association of Couselling and Psychotherapy to ensure they are practising to a correct professional standard. The online link is http://www.bacp.co.uk/.
Sessions with private counsellors may cost around £30-£50 an hour and they will advertise on the internet or in directories.

My First Panic Episode

I thought it would be useful to write about a panic episode I had which led to me developing panic disorder. Many of you will be able to relate and this may make you feel abit better as you'll know you are not the only one.
My mother and father were on holiday in Turkey and I was on my way back from University as my seminar had been cancelled. I used to find it particulary uncomfortable travelling on public transport but could usually control my anxiety so that it did not result in a panic attack.
I was walking through the city centre towards the bus station when I started to panic about the size of the crowds and remember saying to myself "oh my god there's loads of people here" I dont know why this panicked me, but I began to walk faster. I got to 'Next' and felt the need to run into the female toilets as I felt breathless and panicky. When I got there a wave of panic swept over me and I was literally jumping up and down to release all of the adrenaline I had. I started thinking to myself that I was so panicked I would not be able to get myself out of the bathroom, out of the city centre or even onto a bus and that I was 'stuck' there. Although it seems daft as I sit here in my own home, it was the scariest moment of my life and the thought that my fiance was 200 miles away at his army barraks and my mum and dad were out of the country, scared the absolute life out of me.
 In the end I rang 999 crying uncontrollably because I was convinced they were the only people that could help me. They alerted the staff and a kind lady came into the bathroom to talk to me. After half an hour an ambuance man arrived who took my heart rate and tested my breathing to asses whether i was having a panic attack. I told him how i felt and he flatly told me that there was nothing he could give me and that i was the only person who could get myself home as he wasnt a taxi service. As you can imagine this was very traumatic and after giving me the once over in the hospital and telling me the psychiatic nurse 'wasnt there' I reluctantly paid £35 to get a taxi home.
I thought that this would be the end of my day from hell but that night I began to panic again. This time I was acting very strangely. Alone in the house I started to pull out of my hair in pieces and took my clothes off (yes my clothes!) because they were irritating me. I rang my bestfriend who promptly came round to calm me down. She told me she had felt like this and that it was just a big panic attack. This helped me a little because I knew it would have to subside or end at some point. I also rang my mum& dad in Turkey... big mistake.
Although they are very supportive, they began to panic themselves and told me that if i did not calm down they would ring somebody to come round and admit me to a mental health ward. I think this was the most trumatic moment because even though I was the most lost and vulnerable I have ever felt, I also felt alone like I was the only crazy person going and that nobody could help me. The next few days are a blur of which I spent in my mum&dad's bed trembling and crying.
From then on I have come on leaps& bounds. I may not get the bus but I certainly travel and attended my seminars at university, food shopping trips, began doing my driving lessons and started to rent my own house from which I am writihng at the moment. Why the treatment then you ask?
I believe that anxiety and depression are a cycle as suggested by leading psychologists. If youre not anxious your depressed because you have been or will be anxious and if your not depressed its because youre anxious. At the moment I am neither but can feel each could come on and I am not yet equipped to tackle them confidently and hope that counselling will be able to help me with this.
Although panic attacks, panic disorder or anxiety can seem like a bleak never ending journey, I am more than confident that it will and has to end.
 I write that with a smile on my face because I may not have 'come out of the other side' yet but I am still smiling and that goes to show panic disorder will not take over my life without a fight.

As a last point to think about when reflecting on your own experiences and circumstance, here is a short inspirational extract from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus which helps me to remember that I control my life and the panic disorder does not control me.

 "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul"

                

                                                                Goodnight x

Diary 1. 27/01/2012

Tomorrow I am starting a private course of counselling for my panic disorder as I have been on the NHS waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy for 3 months and literally could not wait any longer for some professional help. It seems that in general, patients are 'chewing at the bit' for counselling or therapy for these types of disorders which makes me think of whether the NHS have made adequate concessions for them.
On average 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience mental health problems in their lifetime which begs the question of whether the NHS are catering for this amount of people. I would like to argue - they are not.
Mental health issues have been much of a taboo subject in past generations leading to recent campaigns such as 'time-to-change' encouraging an end to mental health discrimination. You yourself can pledge to talk about mental health here http://www.time-to-change.org.uk.
I do believe it is paramount that mental health issues such as panic disorder are addressed just as other common complaints such as asthma, diabetes or any other medical issue would be.
I myself have felt ostracised and self conscious because I was worried what other people would think about my illness and this is unacceptable. Sufferers of mental illness can feel very vulnerable and frightened by their experiences and need the help and support of others.

Although I have plunged myself into an ethical debate into the morals of society I will return to my diary, much to your relief I am sure..
I am slightly apprehensive about my session tomorrow because I will have to indulge in my fears for at least 30 minutes to a complete stranger but I know that taking these steps is very positive and surely this is better than constantly ringing 'Michelle' at the NHS who tells me 'can't tell you where you are on the list babe because I cant tell' hangs up and never rings back much to my annoyance. I do not want to get my hopes up or pretend it is going to be a miracle cure and ill come out a new woman because sometimes it is a real struggle to just get through the day BUT I know this is the first step to getting rid and that can only be a good thing.
By journeying with me through treatment I hope this helps you to battle your demons& give you a real indication of what happens and the feelings or experiences associated with it. I will reiterate it and reiterate it again, you are not alone and you will never be alone. We may be a minority but we can still be a community.
See you tomorrow!

Other sufferers in the public eye..

Sometimes it is just nice to know that we are not alone with this condition. Even celebrities suffer from anxiety. Late nights, bad dietary habits, money and work stress, long days and jet lag take their toll on anyone, regardless of age.

• Johnny Depp
• Micheal Jackson
• Sir Isaac Newton
• Winston Churchill

Each of these celebrities have suffered with one of the conditions named above. It is also important to realise that they did not let these dispositions stand in their way , as they would not have been so successful or infamous if they had.

The who's who of Panic

• Panic Attack - Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often, those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred.

• Panic Disorder - Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have repeated attacks of intense fear that something bad will occur when not expected.

Welcome statement

Hello, In this post I will give a brief introduction as to why I created this blog and for my hopes of how it may help others.
Firstly I am a sufferer of panic disorder which primarily started as panic attacks. If you are unsure of what these terms mean, I will post a 'who's who of panic' as opposed to a self diagnosis. This is because it is important to go to your GP with any worries or medical issues related to panic disorder or panic attacks and use this blog as a supplementary aid to understand that you are not alone and can hear someone else's story on a personal level and not to diagnose yourself.
I felt it was essential that ithere was some material in the public eye about this subject as when I was looking for support or trying to find other people's stories to help myself, they were scarce. this is not to say that there are not many websites or phone lines associated with this issue because there are and I will post the links and numbers for these later but I felt it was also important to hear other people's stories and experiences.
I hope that you will find this blog useful but also hopeful as I have found it helps greatly to think positive about the future and to believe that you will beat this and more importantly you can. I also hope that other people who are not sufferes but wish to understand more of this subject, will benefit from this information.
Thank you