Hello strangers,
Its been over a year since I last posted and my its been a rollercoaster of a journey.
I left univeristy and started a job, something I hold as a big achievement as Ive held it down for nearly a year and never had a full blown panic attack there, ever!
Infact, my last one was 8 months ago nearly. Wow that sounds so wonderful adding it up.
Whats been happening?
In all honesty, work , work work. I have a day job where i project administrate. Gobbeldy gook I know but its basically organising a few managers. Not my ideal job but Im just glad Im on the first stepping stone on the career ladder. I also have another new business which you will have to wait and see, as I do, how it turns out.
I go out quite frequently now, for drinks and for meals out with friends and my fiance. Who is still my absolute rock by the way :)
I wanted to write as Id been reminded about this blog and didnt want to 'give up' on anyone who may be in the situation as I was when I wrote about my first panic attack.
I used to wonder when it would ever stop, was I destined to be sat in the same four walls, in the same town forever. I promise you it will pass.
Two things I have learnt:
Repetition, repetition, repetition. The first day at work was hard, infact the first week. Id worry(not full blown panic) and think well if i panic i can get my mum to pick me up etc. But after awhile I really did get used to it. Like I said before Ive never ever had a panic attack
You will be pleasantly surprised. How you imagine a situation to be, is usually not how it will turn out at all. Recently I went to a fundraiser in a town about 15 miles away. I know, its a short distance, but its somewhere id never been before so it was a new challenge. I thought oh god, I bet ill get scared on the way and have to talk myself down from a panic attack. Nope, I really enjoyed the scenery and celebrated my worry free journey with a well deserved malibu and coke.
What else can you do? Rely on yourself.
You are your own friend. Sometimes I do have to talk myself down as it were. I say to myself "what if i panic?" but now I reply with "ok, but what if i dont, how proud will i be of myself if i go there. just do it babe"
I recently found out Ill need to go to London in a few months and this started to worry me a bit. When I came on here, like i said, I read my first panic attack situation and it gave me a huge lump in my throat. That fighter that was so hopeful and intent on getting her life back is sat right here, with a full time job able to go out and do what she likes. Granted Ive not gone abroad yet, but I will do and seeing just how far Ive come is an incentive enough.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
Keep going.
