Hello,
Well I had a huge chat with my parents after the whole 'is diazepam making me depressed' turns out I got a lot of home truths that really did make me feel a hell of alot better.
Im feeling shity because Im not in the job that I want, not where I want to be and not going where I want to go. Ive let panic attacks effect my life and Ive become so unhappy with the consequences.
But, as sad as Ive been Ive had nothing to spur me on. If I dont go to uni will I still have a roof over my head? Yes. If I dont get a job tomorrow will I still eat? Yes. Ive lost my independence, my drive The trouble is, Ive had no leverage to get off my backside and start fighting for my right for a decent life.
I'm stuck in this "my lifes crappy but Im ok to be like this" cycle.
Not anymore.
A friend of mine said that being depressed has allowed her to build herself back up to be the person she wanted to be.
Sometimes you've got to hit rock bottom, to reach higher than youve ever been.
So, Im applying for my provisional driving license again, I'm joining the gym, I wont be taking any diazepam again unless absolutely necessary and I may even take drastic measures by cutting myself off financially from my parents and partner so I bloody well have to go out and do things without asking for a lift because I cant bare to be out alone, or sitting in the house because im 'scared' of going to the store. Why? because I absolutely cannot feel shit and helpless like that again, Im a grown woman.
