My First Panic Episode

I thought it would be useful to write about a panic episode I had which led to me developing panic disorder. Many of you will be able to relate and this may make you feel abit better as you'll know you are not the only one.
My mother and father were on holiday in Turkey and I was on my way back from University as my seminar had been cancelled. I used to find it particulary uncomfortable travelling on public transport but could usually control my anxiety so that it did not result in a panic attack.
I was walking through the city centre towards the bus station when I started to panic about the size of the crowds and remember saying to myself "oh my god there's loads of people here" I dont know why this panicked me, but I began to walk faster. I got to 'Next' and felt the need to run into the female toilets as I felt breathless and panicky. When I got there a wave of panic swept over me and I was literally jumping up and down to release all of the adrenaline I had. I started thinking to myself that I was so panicked I would not be able to get myself out of the bathroom, out of the city centre or even onto a bus and that I was 'stuck' there. Although it seems daft as I sit here in my own home, it was the scariest moment of my life and the thought that my fiance was 200 miles away at his army barraks and my mum and dad were out of the country, scared the absolute life out of me.
 In the end I rang 999 crying uncontrollably because I was convinced they were the only people that could help me. They alerted the staff and a kind lady came into the bathroom to talk to me. After half an hour an ambuance man arrived who took my heart rate and tested my breathing to asses whether i was having a panic attack. I told him how i felt and he flatly told me that there was nothing he could give me and that i was the only person who could get myself home as he wasnt a taxi service. As you can imagine this was very traumatic and after giving me the once over in the hospital and telling me the psychiatic nurse 'wasnt there' I reluctantly paid £35 to get a taxi home.
I thought that this would be the end of my day from hell but that night I began to panic again. This time I was acting very strangely. Alone in the house I started to pull out of my hair in pieces and took my clothes off (yes my clothes!) because they were irritating me. I rang my bestfriend who promptly came round to calm me down. She told me she had felt like this and that it was just a big panic attack. This helped me a little because I knew it would have to subside or end at some point. I also rang my mum& dad in Turkey... big mistake.
Although they are very supportive, they began to panic themselves and told me that if i did not calm down they would ring somebody to come round and admit me to a mental health ward. I think this was the most trumatic moment because even though I was the most lost and vulnerable I have ever felt, I also felt alone like I was the only crazy person going and that nobody could help me. The next few days are a blur of which I spent in my mum&dad's bed trembling and crying.
From then on I have come on leaps& bounds. I may not get the bus but I certainly travel and attended my seminars at university, food shopping trips, began doing my driving lessons and started to rent my own house from which I am writihng at the moment. Why the treatment then you ask?
I believe that anxiety and depression are a cycle as suggested by leading psychologists. If youre not anxious your depressed because you have been or will be anxious and if your not depressed its because youre anxious. At the moment I am neither but can feel each could come on and I am not yet equipped to tackle them confidently and hope that counselling will be able to help me with this.
Although panic attacks, panic disorder or anxiety can seem like a bleak never ending journey, I am more than confident that it will and has to end.
 I write that with a smile on my face because I may not have 'come out of the other side' yet but I am still smiling and that goes to show panic disorder will not take over my life without a fight.

As a last point to think about when reflecting on your own experiences and circumstance, here is a short inspirational extract from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus which helps me to remember that I control my life and the panic disorder does not control me.

 "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul"

                

                                                                Goodnight x

Diary 1. 27/01/2012

Tomorrow I am starting a private course of counselling for my panic disorder as I have been on the NHS waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy for 3 months and literally could not wait any longer for some professional help. It seems that in general, patients are 'chewing at the bit' for counselling or therapy for these types of disorders which makes me think of whether the NHS have made adequate concessions for them.
On average 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience mental health problems in their lifetime which begs the question of whether the NHS are catering for this amount of people. I would like to argue - they are not.
Mental health issues have been much of a taboo subject in past generations leading to recent campaigns such as 'time-to-change' encouraging an end to mental health discrimination. You yourself can pledge to talk about mental health here http://www.time-to-change.org.uk.
I do believe it is paramount that mental health issues such as panic disorder are addressed just as other common complaints such as asthma, diabetes or any other medical issue would be.
I myself have felt ostracised and self conscious because I was worried what other people would think about my illness and this is unacceptable. Sufferers of mental illness can feel very vulnerable and frightened by their experiences and need the help and support of others.

Although I have plunged myself into an ethical debate into the morals of society I will return to my diary, much to your relief I am sure..
I am slightly apprehensive about my session tomorrow because I will have to indulge in my fears for at least 30 minutes to a complete stranger but I know that taking these steps is very positive and surely this is better than constantly ringing 'Michelle' at the NHS who tells me 'can't tell you where you are on the list babe because I cant tell' hangs up and never rings back much to my annoyance. I do not want to get my hopes up or pretend it is going to be a miracle cure and ill come out a new woman because sometimes it is a real struggle to just get through the day BUT I know this is the first step to getting rid and that can only be a good thing.
By journeying with me through treatment I hope this helps you to battle your demons& give you a real indication of what happens and the feelings or experiences associated with it. I will reiterate it and reiterate it again, you are not alone and you will never be alone. We may be a minority but we can still be a community.
See you tomorrow!

Other sufferers in the public eye..

Sometimes it is just nice to know that we are not alone with this condition. Even celebrities suffer from anxiety. Late nights, bad dietary habits, money and work stress, long days and jet lag take their toll on anyone, regardless of age.

• Johnny Depp
• Micheal Jackson
• Sir Isaac Newton
• Winston Churchill

Each of these celebrities have suffered with one of the conditions named above. It is also important to realise that they did not let these dispositions stand in their way , as they would not have been so successful or infamous if they had.

The who's who of Panic

• Panic Attack - Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often, those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred.

• Panic Disorder - Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have repeated attacks of intense fear that something bad will occur when not expected.

Welcome statement

Hello, In this post I will give a brief introduction as to why I created this blog and for my hopes of how it may help others.
Firstly I am a sufferer of panic disorder which primarily started as panic attacks. If you are unsure of what these terms mean, I will post a 'who's who of panic' as opposed to a self diagnosis. This is because it is important to go to your GP with any worries or medical issues related to panic disorder or panic attacks and use this blog as a supplementary aid to understand that you are not alone and can hear someone else's story on a personal level and not to diagnose yourself.
I felt it was essential that ithere was some material in the public eye about this subject as when I was looking for support or trying to find other people's stories to help myself, they were scarce. this is not to say that there are not many websites or phone lines associated with this issue because there are and I will post the links and numbers for these later but I felt it was also important to hear other people's stories and experiences.
I hope that you will find this blog useful but also hopeful as I have found it helps greatly to think positive about the future and to believe that you will beat this and more importantly you can. I also hope that other people who are not sufferes but wish to understand more of this subject, will benefit from this information.
Thank you