Sunday

Hello all,
You've caught me on a very interesting day!
On Friday night I went to a social gathering at my friends house. I was slightly panicky because I hadnt been in awhile but I got a lift with my friend and calmed down when I got there. After a few hours we decided to go into town. My friends car is extremely small so I was worried Id feel a bit claustrophobic and panic I couldnt get out but I told myself Im fine. If I panic Ill just ask her to stop and Ill be ok. I was fine and even suggested we take the roof off her convertible! I must have been feeling brave.
I had a brilliant night and didnt even think about going home which results in me getting in at 4am!
Saturday I felt very hungover and a bit strange. Im sure alcohol can have some sort of affect on your anxiety so I went for a run to clear my head and make me feel less poorly.
I got abit scared whilst running my second lap of the fields which I live by so I decided to go home. When running home I got myself really panicked and I have no idea why. I was thinking to myself "oh my god my house looks so far away" This is the first time I have felt like that in a long time and when I got home I was quite disappointed wondering why Id let it take over my life again. I know this sounds dramatic but I think Im quite hard on myself and if I have any lapse I start telling myself Im back to square one.
My friend then came round because we were attending a 21st together. I thought Id feel a bit funny in her company because Id panicked that day and thought she might think I was acting quite strangely by being restless and breathing heavily but I was ok. We got ready together and even took a detour on the way to the party. I did get quite panicky because I dont particularly like travelling at night time or going to places I wouldn't usually go but we were at the venue before my fears could materialise.
The party was really good. Me and my friend chatted and caught up with each other and it was a successful panic free night.
However today my mum told me that my dad couldnt take me to university tomorrow. Obviously I have been travelling to and from uni with him since October and this frightened me a lot.
I worked myself up into tears and rang my partner. I thought to myself "I cant do this, Ill never be able to get to uni by myself" and even became scared Id have another episode like the one in October. When I spoke to my partner though he was absolutely brilliant. He rationalised what I had been thinking and told me how far I had come in 5 months. He told me to be patient and that big changed wouldnt happen over night and in his words " babies must crawl and walk before they run" He also said I do have control over my own mind. My mind doesn't make me go and kill somebody else I have a choice. This really got me thinking in the 'right' way.
I thought to myself "yes I have come really far because before I couldn't even leave the house" I also recognised the symptoms of a panic attack like feeling dizzy and having racing thoughts and told myself it was just my body and adrenaline. I reassured myself I wasnt crazy and kept the statistic in my that 1 in 4 people have experienced a mental health problem at one time. This has really helped me today and now Im back in my living room watching television feeling rather calm.
Today has shown me that I need to be less harsh on myself and hopefully shown you that even I who is usually quite positive and panic free still panics. Im still a panicker but I will get better with time :)
Talking really is the best medicine and Im very lucky to have such a supportive partner. I think I may write my own personal tips on panic now, having relived the feeling in the last hour! I know what works for me and I hope it can help you also.
xx

Thursday

Hello, I did my challenge for the day and went shopping in the town centre. I decided not to go to the other city with my mum in the end.
 Got a lovely dress for the 21st Im attending on Saturday and even went for lunch after with my mum. I didn't think about panicking once and just got on with chatting to my mum about my partner and my plans for the weekend. It was a really care free day :)
Ive had a 'coca-cola' tonight and its made me a bit jittery because of the caffeine but this hasn't worried me at all. I definitely wont be having another this late at night again though, I dont think Ill sleep haha!
I hope you've all been doing well this week, even If you've just attempted one thing. The most important thing to remember is that you might find doing something stressful in the beginning, I did when I first started going to uni again, but this will pass as you get used to doing it. The anxiety about the activity will decrease as you realise there is nothing to fear and nothing bad will happen because you've done it loads of times and nothing bad has happened before.
Im going swimming tomorrow and haven't done this for awhile but I know Ill be fine! Thinking positive thoughts :) I don't have person centred therapy until next Friday as Im doing it every 2 weeks now that Im feeling more confident.
Hope you all have a productive Friday!
xx

Hello all!

Hello I know its been a few days since I last wrote a post but Ive been very busy and had some crazy things happening in my personal life with my partner!
On Monday, I went to university and went to my friends house afterwards instead of doing this on Tuesday. This was one of my 'challenges'.
The next day I FINALLY got an appointment for coginitive behavioural therapy with the NHS that very day as there had been a cancellation with another patient. I was very dubious at this because my person centered therapy is working very well and I am working on the presumption that 'if something isnt broken, dont fix it'. However, I went along to see if the therapy could make any head way with my anxiety about travelling and about things I havnet yet accomplished eg going on holiday abroad. The session was very brief as it focused on introducing me to CBT and what it was about. I will let you know how I get on with it. My next appointment is 9.30am next Tuesday.
Anyway, my day became even more 'out of the blue' when I was informed my partner had been involved in an accident. This is all the information I can disclose unfortunately without making my blog biased and diverting from its true purpose. This made me slightly emotional last night but today I went to university again and did my food shopping.
Suprisingly I was very calm and relaxed going into my seminar. I was a little early but kept telling myself I would enjoy the hour as I like my lecturer and that it would only take an hour. Maybe this is because I had other things to focus on, but Id like to think it is because my anxiety is decreasing even more. My fleeting thoughts about 'being too far away from home' or 'not being able to breathe' are becoming less frequent the more I reassure myself with positive statements. This is a very comforting feeling and one I have waited for desperately! I also went food shopping and panicking did not cross my mind at all.
However, tomorrow my mother is taking our dog to the vets in another city, about an hour away. Im not sure if Im ready to challenge this length of journey yet, especially as my partner is having hospital treatment and Im quite stressed. I keep thinking this is a rubbish excuse and I should push myself though it. I will have a think about this tonight but I doubt I will go. This week has been quite stressfull so far, regarding my partner and I dont want to over do it.
I am feeling very content with my life and can't wait for my partner to be home. I have definitely come on 'leaps and bounds' since October 2011 and Im really proud of myself.
For about 10 minutes or so before writing this, I remebered having my panic attack and ringing my friend saying worrying things such as 'im going crazy, im going to hurt myself' because I just wanted the racing thoughts in my mind to dissapear and I couldnt stop panicking or calm myself down. Its really upsetting to think I said that about myself but also showed how far Ive really come. That night I wanted to be unconscious or asleep and now Im sat here talking about it and realising it will never happen again. I know I cannot erase the past, but I wont let it be my future. I think this is a very positive thought to leave my post on and I will write again tomorrow to let you know what I have decided to do!
I hope some of you are getting some useful information from my posts! You're not insane, you will get better and you are normal!
Goodnight and keep strong!
xx

My make a list challenge

So for this week I decided it would be a good idea to do something 'out of the ordinary' each day. My list is:
Monday - go for a 30 min jog after uni
Tuesday - go to friends house
Wednesday - walk to the local shop
Thursday - go shopping in town centre
Friday - counselling
Saturday - attend friend's 21st Bday
These are achievable goals and will give me more confidence about future tasks when I have completed them. If I can do it, so can you! I hope youre attempting even one thing this week :)
It might be daunting but you will feel all the better for it when youve done it!
Xx

Therapy

Hello had my therapy again today! Finding them to be increasingly retrospective as I havent had a panic attack in awhile!
Im very positive and optimistic. I have looked on my first panic episode as an opportunity rather than a hinderance. It has forced me to address the fact I was anxious instead of brushing it under the carpet and allowing it to continue which I did in the past. I have had to face my fears and conquer them. This in turn has made me more optimistic because I can and have done the things I previously thought I couldnt and more. As I have said before I strongly believe in fate and that this has given me the platform to better my life x

Brilliant blog!

Found this blog whilst researching and the gentleman's tips are fantastic! Give them a go! I am definitely going to put his 'time and a place for worrying' suggestion into practice. Great metaphorical use by likening anxiety to a faulty alarm.

http://getoveranxiety.blogspot.com

MAKE A LIST CHALLENGE

Hello again. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to do things whether social, domestic or work related so I thought you may like to participate in a challenge.
Make a list of things you would like to do, achievable or not which will begin on Monday. Lets say around 5 such as walking the dog for an extra 10 minutes than usual, food shopping alone, going out for a sociable meal with friends etc. I will also do this and post my list. Each day do 1 of these things. Hopefully this excercise will make you realise you can do things you previously thought you couldnt and encourage you because you know other people are also doing this! At the end of the week whether you have done 3 of these things or 5 you can be proud you did something you thought you couldnt! Even one thing is a step in the right direction! Get thinking x