Hi All,
Well ive not had the best day..
Let me fill you in on what Ive been up to:
My partner has come back from working away and I resigned from my job to go to another place of work starting November 20th.
Ive been quite bored, doing minimal work on my own business venture in my spare time and doing quite a lot of travelling with my partner to 'make up for lost time' Places he wants to go, meals out ect.
I dont think Ive acknowledged how many stressful things I have going on at once. ( I hate thinking I have it any worse than anyone else so I'm not trying to say I'm starving, poor ect)
Ive been putting pressure on myself to do everything my partner wants to do, out of fear that if not my anxiety will be the downfall of our relationship. I think many of you will be able to understand. The thoughts of "if I don't go here he will be disappointed" or "why cant i be a normal girlfriend for him" All of which are unfounded by the way, as my partner is very understanding, but if you love someone you worry.
Being out of a routine and not being in the highly pressurized and fast paced environment I'm used to, has sort of knocked me for 6 and given me a lot of dangerous thinking time.
Ive found myself being rather down in the dumps which Ive always thought contributes to being anxious.
I finally hit breaking point the other day when I burst into tears because I couldn't face going to the shopping center / mall/ whatever you would like to call it because we were stuck in traffic and it was making me freak out. I was worrying about the amount of people there, what if i panicked, how would we 'escape' if i did panic and how would i calm down.
I felt so guilty and angry with myself for 'ruining' his holiday and not being this perfect, sociable person I had encouraged and wished myself to be when he came home.
Today I booked a doctors appointment and after going without 'meds' or any tablet/medical help for so long agreed to try diazepam 'as and when' the panic came on. - So not regularly and not long term.
I felt quite happy with myself but decided not to take them today as I had a 'girls night in' tonight with a friend and a date with a bottle of wine. (Youre not meant to mix valium and alcohol)
When I got home, I started to feel slightly defeated that i had 'given in' to tablets. That I coudlnt 'do it on my own' Stupid really as Ive not failed at all, If anything Im triumphing because Im doing something about it.
I spoke to my mum who - as great as she is being mumsy- doesnt agree with tablets, said they are "as bad as methodone", I need to get a hold of myself and that I need to see someone. To me, this smacks of my first panic attack where they(Parents) suggested I should be sectioned if I didnt 'calm down' As you can imagine, hearing this off the one person in the world who is meant to do everything in their power to look after you freaked me the f*ck out (Excuse my french)
I started to feel dizzy - very unusual for my panics, and I felt sheer terror with thoughts like "What if I panic, how will I calm down?"( As the tablets had obviously become my fail safe) I decided I needed to go to hospital as nobody could help me. Completely ridiculous when writing this now, but in that moment, you feel like cutting out a part of your brain in the only option. Anyway I somehow reasoned my way out of that, and decided Id go to my bestfriends house who is imensely suportive, absolutely brilliant and talking me though this and has also had panic attacks and tablets to 'ease' them.
*Just received a text from the partner to say hes then when I need to talk - Utterly brilliant man - smiles*
Back to tonight.
I got half way there, in the car with my 'tries to be there but cant or wont comprehend that mental health problems arnt something to lose your fucking mind over' Mum which I suspect in her efforts to get me there, was her last ditch attempt at helping me tonight , and I had to turn round. All I coudl think of is that the tablets would go some way in helping me.
I came back home, went online to look at what sort of dose I ought to take whilst in the midst of panic. The muscles in my legs were tight, my thoughts were uncontrollable but I remeber half heartedly chucking a 2mg tablet into my mouth and saying "Im doing this for me because I deserve to fele better"
I went onto Facebook to scour throught profiles, aimless staus updates, anything to keep my mind off what was going on and you know i honestly honestly feel better.
Now I AM NOT SAYING rush to the doctors and demand some tablets.
Im just saying, in my case after 2 years of trying to "do it myself" , briefly having a course of CBT and only taking these when I actually had a panic attack they have worked ( 1 2mg tablet).
I think its been about 20-30 minutes. I briefly had a headache for around 5 minutes. I dont feel light headed just abit 'slow' For example im an extremely quick & accurate typer but Im having to correct my spelling every so often. Maybe its a placebo effect and its all in my head, but I honestly dont care.
Id happily take a drug, compared to methodone or not, if it takes me out of that sheer terror.
Im wondering about the future as you cant take them forever understandably, I can image i really will want to. I'm a bit hesitant about going back out still - nobody in their right mind wuld want to bring that back onto themselves but Im optimistic. So ill let you know if and what happens if i do!
During this I drew a parallel with my mum. She wasn't present during the original panic attack but every one since. I wouldn't blame anybody for bringing this upon me, I think that being around someone who doeskin seem like they can 'help' you in that situation inst great. I love my mum to bits and I couldnt be anymore greatful for all of the love and support both financial and emotional Ive had since the begining of my life. I just dont think some people deal well with it.
For example shes just offered to take me to the spa next month. Yes im greatful and so blessed to have such a selfless and generous parent but thats not really going to sort out my anxiety is it.
Saying that, my wonderful partner just dropped off a beautiful bunch of red roses. - Maybe I am being a bit hard on my mum.
Il let you know how I feel tomorrow, but in short Im Impressed with how fast acting and effective they are in the panic attack.
My plan is to live my life as normal, trying things and if it gets too much then I will take them.
Well ive not had the best day..
Let me fill you in on what Ive been up to:
My partner has come back from working away and I resigned from my job to go to another place of work starting November 20th.
Ive been quite bored, doing minimal work on my own business venture in my spare time and doing quite a lot of travelling with my partner to 'make up for lost time' Places he wants to go, meals out ect.
I dont think Ive acknowledged how many stressful things I have going on at once. ( I hate thinking I have it any worse than anyone else so I'm not trying to say I'm starving, poor ect)
Ive been putting pressure on myself to do everything my partner wants to do, out of fear that if not my anxiety will be the downfall of our relationship. I think many of you will be able to understand. The thoughts of "if I don't go here he will be disappointed" or "why cant i be a normal girlfriend for him" All of which are unfounded by the way, as my partner is very understanding, but if you love someone you worry.
Being out of a routine and not being in the highly pressurized and fast paced environment I'm used to, has sort of knocked me for 6 and given me a lot of dangerous thinking time.
Ive found myself being rather down in the dumps which Ive always thought contributes to being anxious.
I finally hit breaking point the other day when I burst into tears because I couldn't face going to the shopping center / mall/ whatever you would like to call it because we were stuck in traffic and it was making me freak out. I was worrying about the amount of people there, what if i panicked, how would we 'escape' if i did panic and how would i calm down.
I felt so guilty and angry with myself for 'ruining' his holiday and not being this perfect, sociable person I had encouraged and wished myself to be when he came home.
Today I booked a doctors appointment and after going without 'meds' or any tablet/medical help for so long agreed to try diazepam 'as and when' the panic came on. - So not regularly and not long term.
I felt quite happy with myself but decided not to take them today as I had a 'girls night in' tonight with a friend and a date with a bottle of wine. (Youre not meant to mix valium and alcohol)
When I got home, I started to feel slightly defeated that i had 'given in' to tablets. That I coudlnt 'do it on my own' Stupid really as Ive not failed at all, If anything Im triumphing because Im doing something about it.
I spoke to my mum who - as great as she is being mumsy- doesnt agree with tablets, said they are "as bad as methodone", I need to get a hold of myself and that I need to see someone. To me, this smacks of my first panic attack where they(Parents) suggested I should be sectioned if I didnt 'calm down' As you can imagine, hearing this off the one person in the world who is meant to do everything in their power to look after you freaked me the f*ck out (Excuse my french)
I started to feel dizzy - very unusual for my panics, and I felt sheer terror with thoughts like "What if I panic, how will I calm down?"( As the tablets had obviously become my fail safe) I decided I needed to go to hospital as nobody could help me. Completely ridiculous when writing this now, but in that moment, you feel like cutting out a part of your brain in the only option. Anyway I somehow reasoned my way out of that, and decided Id go to my bestfriends house who is imensely suportive, absolutely brilliant and talking me though this and has also had panic attacks and tablets to 'ease' them.
*Just received a text from the partner to say hes then when I need to talk - Utterly brilliant man - smiles*
Back to tonight.
I got half way there, in the car with my 'tries to be there but cant or wont comprehend that mental health problems arnt something to lose your fucking mind over' Mum which I suspect in her efforts to get me there, was her last ditch attempt at helping me tonight , and I had to turn round. All I coudl think of is that the tablets would go some way in helping me.
I came back home, went online to look at what sort of dose I ought to take whilst in the midst of panic. The muscles in my legs were tight, my thoughts were uncontrollable but I remeber half heartedly chucking a 2mg tablet into my mouth and saying "Im doing this for me because I deserve to fele better"
I went onto Facebook to scour throught profiles, aimless staus updates, anything to keep my mind off what was going on and you know i honestly honestly feel better.
Now I AM NOT SAYING rush to the doctors and demand some tablets.
Im just saying, in my case after 2 years of trying to "do it myself" , briefly having a course of CBT and only taking these when I actually had a panic attack they have worked ( 1 2mg tablet).
I think its been about 20-30 minutes. I briefly had a headache for around 5 minutes. I dont feel light headed just abit 'slow' For example im an extremely quick & accurate typer but Im having to correct my spelling every so often. Maybe its a placebo effect and its all in my head, but I honestly dont care.
Id happily take a drug, compared to methodone or not, if it takes me out of that sheer terror.
Im wondering about the future as you cant take them forever understandably, I can image i really will want to. I'm a bit hesitant about going back out still - nobody in their right mind wuld want to bring that back onto themselves but Im optimistic. So ill let you know if and what happens if i do!
During this I drew a parallel with my mum. She wasn't present during the original panic attack but every one since. I wouldn't blame anybody for bringing this upon me, I think that being around someone who doeskin seem like they can 'help' you in that situation inst great. I love my mum to bits and I couldnt be anymore greatful for all of the love and support both financial and emotional Ive had since the begining of my life. I just dont think some people deal well with it.
For example shes just offered to take me to the spa next month. Yes im greatful and so blessed to have such a selfless and generous parent but thats not really going to sort out my anxiety is it.
Saying that, my wonderful partner just dropped off a beautiful bunch of red roses. - Maybe I am being a bit hard on my mum.
Il let you know how I feel tomorrow, but in short Im Impressed with how fast acting and effective they are in the panic attack.
My plan is to live my life as normal, trying things and if it gets too much then I will take them.
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