Tonight

Hello!
Well not quite the day I thought id have.
Ended up watching an episode of Poirot then going to the pharmacy for my partner then we went out for a meal.
Not a restaurant that far away but it was still nice to 'test the water' as it were.
I had a small glass of white wine with my meal and I really feel fine!
Im staying over with him at his parents house and honestly, I feel like im back to myself. If I have a fleeting thought of anxiety or escape, I correct myself that I dont need to go home, im in control of my mind and if needs be I have tablets. Feeling alot more confident in myself! Ive noticed my vision has been slightly impaired, as I said last night with typing and that doesnt seem to be wearing off but I dont mind. Its a small price to pay for calming down and ive taken nothing today :-)

Goodnight all! Wish I tried them sooner

*Please consult your doctor/physician if youre thinking of medication*

Morning/afternoon!

So I do feel a bit sluggish but I woke up with some refreshed enthusiasm and determination. Positive thoughts = positive life. How can I stop having panic attacks if I only think of worse case scenarios and what ifs? I think if I change my thoughts, I can change my fear. Im going to try harder to attack and question worries and then flood my mind with positivity. I cant think like sh*t and expect to one day wake up "better".
Also, I now know the tablets really work. I can take one even two in the event of an attack.
So today the plan is to get some nice foods, movies and head on over to my partners whos feeling quite poorly. Ill let you know how I get on.

You cant have a positive life, with a negative mind.

My most recent attack & taking diazepam (valium)

Hi All,

Well ive not had the best day..
Let me fill you in on what Ive been up to:

My partner has come back from working away and I resigned from my job to go to another place of work starting November 20th.
Ive been quite bored, doing minimal work on my own business venture in my spare time and doing quite a lot of travelling with my partner to 'make up for lost time' Places he wants to go, meals out ect.
I dont think Ive acknowledged how many stressful things I have going on at once. ( I hate thinking I have it any worse than anyone else so I'm not trying to say I'm starving, poor ect)
Ive been putting pressure on myself to do everything my partner wants to do, out of fear that if not my anxiety will be the downfall of our relationship. I think many of you will be able to understand. The thoughts of "if I don't go here he will be disappointed" or "why cant i be a normal girlfriend for him" All of which are unfounded by the way, as my partner is very understanding, but if you love someone you worry.
Being out of a routine and not being in the highly pressurized and fast paced environment I'm used to, has sort of knocked me for 6 and given me a lot of dangerous thinking time.
Ive found myself being rather down in the dumps which Ive always thought contributes to being anxious.

I finally hit breaking point the other day when I burst into tears because I couldn't face going to the shopping center / mall/ whatever you would like to call it because we were stuck in traffic and it was making me freak out. I was worrying about the amount of people there, what if i panicked, how would we 'escape' if i did panic and how would i calm down.
I felt so guilty and angry with myself for 'ruining' his holiday and not being this perfect, sociable person I had encouraged and wished myself to be when he came home.

Today I booked a doctors appointment and after going without 'meds' or any tablet/medical help for so long agreed to try diazepam 'as and when' the panic came on. - So not regularly and not long term.

I felt quite happy with myself but decided not to take them today as I had a 'girls night in' tonight with a friend and a date with a bottle of wine. (Youre not meant to mix valium and alcohol)

When I got home, I started to feel slightly defeated that i had 'given in' to tablets. That I coudlnt 'do it on my own' Stupid really as Ive not failed at all, If anything Im triumphing because Im doing something about it.

I spoke to my mum who - as great as she is being mumsy- doesnt agree with tablets, said they are "as bad as methodone", I need to get a hold of myself and that I need to see someone. To me, this smacks of my first panic attack where they(Parents) suggested I should be sectioned if I didnt 'calm down' As you can imagine, hearing this off the one person in the world who is meant to do everything in their power to look after you freaked me the f*ck out  (Excuse my french)
I started to feel dizzy - very unusual for my panics, and I felt sheer terror with thoughts like "What if I panic, how will I calm down?"( As the tablets had obviously become my fail safe) I decided I needed to go to hospital as nobody could help me. Completely ridiculous when writing this now, but in that moment, you feel like cutting out a part of your brain in the only option. Anyway I somehow reasoned my way out of that, and decided Id go to my bestfriends house who is imensely suportive, absolutely brilliant and talking me though this and has also had panic attacks and tablets to 'ease' them.

*Just received a text from the partner to say hes then when I need to talk - Utterly brilliant man - smiles*

Back to tonight.

I got half way there, in the car with my 'tries to be there but cant or wont comprehend that mental health problems arnt something to lose your fucking mind over' Mum which I suspect in her efforts to get me there, was her last ditch attempt at helping me tonight , and I had to turn round. All I coudl think of is that the tablets would go some way in helping me.

I came back home, went online to look at what sort of dose I ought to take whilst in the midst of panic. The muscles in my legs were tight, my thoughts were uncontrollable but I remeber half heartedly chucking a 2mg tablet into my mouth and saying "Im doing this for me because I deserve to fele better"

I went onto Facebook to scour throught profiles, aimless staus updates, anything to keep my mind off what was going on and you know i honestly honestly feel better.

Now I AM NOT SAYING rush to the doctors and demand some tablets.
Im just saying, in my case after 2 years of trying to  "do it myself" , briefly having a course of CBT and only taking these when I actually had a panic attack they have worked ( 1 2mg tablet).

I think its been about 20-30 minutes. I briefly had a headache for around 5 minutes. I dont feel light headed just abit 'slow' For example im an extremely quick & accurate typer but Im having to correct my spelling every so often. Maybe its a placebo effect and its all in my head, but I honestly dont care.

Id happily take a drug, compared to methodone or not, if it takes me out of that sheer terror.

Im wondering about the future as you cant take them forever understandably, I can image i really will want to. I'm a bit hesitant about going back out still - nobody in their right mind wuld want to bring that back onto themselves but Im optimistic. So ill let you know if and what happens if i do!

During this I drew a parallel with my mum. She wasn't present during the original panic attack but every one since. I wouldn't blame anybody for bringing this upon me, I think that being around someone who doeskin seem like they can 'help' you in that situation inst great. I love my mum to bits and I couldnt be anymore greatful for all of the love and support both financial and emotional Ive had since the begining of my life. I just dont think some people deal well with it.

For example shes just offered to take me to the spa next month. Yes im greatful and so blessed to have such a selfless and generous parent but thats not really going to sort out my anxiety is it.

Saying that, my wonderful partner just dropped off a beautiful bunch of red roses. - Maybe I am being a bit hard on my mum.

Il let you know how I feel tomorrow, but in short Im Impressed with how fast acting and effective they are in the panic attack.
My plan is to live my life as normal, trying things and if it gets too much then I will take them.

Interesting watch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGrvPClgh8I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Weekend Away

Hi All,

I went for a weekend away this weekend. I was quite looking forward to it because its only 20 miles away but takes awhile to get there and I wondered how Id get on with the journey.
On the way I did have a panic attack because it was really foggy and we were on the moors. I started thinking oh my god I need to go home, Im going to go crazy the usual irrational thoughts I experience. But I go so panicked I did hit the point where I thought right, this is as bad as its going to get and I couldnt get anymore worked up than I was.  When I got to the destination, I must admit I didnt feel better but I got on with having my time away like Id planned.
On the way home I was quite anxious about taking the same route but when I was nearly home I thought strangely that Id like to do it again. I didn't expect to think this, I thought Id be thoroughly fed up but instead I had the feeling that id like to push myself to acheive it again and then again.
I know that if you repeat something over and over again it does get alot easier - my job for example.

So, although I didnt have a panic free weekend.
I DID go away and I Will do it again.
It didn't put me off going away, its sort of reignited the fighter in me :)

Panic 0, Me 1.

find what scares you &

 

DO IT ANYWAY

PLEASE READ #mentaltogether

After reading a recent story about a young person who had committed suicide, I felt a real desire to make other sufferers of anxiety , agoraphobia, panic attacks, panic disorder etc aware that although life may be a lonely and frightening and a never ending shit storm of hell sometimes, we are strong together.

WHY?
We can be a force for change.

• 1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year

• Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain.

With these sort of numbers in the UK alone, it is inevitable that our voice is heard.

Having a mental health issue shouldn't be taboo, its an illness just like asthma.

With winter months approaching, a time that can be most challenging for sufferers, I thought it could be an idea to make a little bit of a stand.

By posting #mentaltogether we can show sufferers and non sufferers that mental health issues are common. They are nothing to be ashamed of and they can be spoken about - which may help those finding it particularly hard, as we all do sometimes.

Some of the best advice Ive ever had has naturally come from other sufferers and they've inspired me because if they can do things, why can't I.

I am not looking to change the NHS, I am looking to change people.

If you don't want to do this, that's absolutely fine.

I personally believe that being part of the human race, people have a duty to do whatever they can do for humanity. If this gets a few people tweeting, then great, if it could possibly change or save someone's life, wonderful.

Please re-post & tweet <3