Hello all!

Hello I know its been a few days since I last wrote a post but Ive been very busy and had some crazy things happening in my personal life with my partner!
On Monday, I went to university and went to my friends house afterwards instead of doing this on Tuesday. This was one of my 'challenges'.
The next day I FINALLY got an appointment for coginitive behavioural therapy with the NHS that very day as there had been a cancellation with another patient. I was very dubious at this because my person centered therapy is working very well and I am working on the presumption that 'if something isnt broken, dont fix it'. However, I went along to see if the therapy could make any head way with my anxiety about travelling and about things I havnet yet accomplished eg going on holiday abroad. The session was very brief as it focused on introducing me to CBT and what it was about. I will let you know how I get on with it. My next appointment is 9.30am next Tuesday.
Anyway, my day became even more 'out of the blue' when I was informed my partner had been involved in an accident. This is all the information I can disclose unfortunately without making my blog biased and diverting from its true purpose. This made me slightly emotional last night but today I went to university again and did my food shopping.
Suprisingly I was very calm and relaxed going into my seminar. I was a little early but kept telling myself I would enjoy the hour as I like my lecturer and that it would only take an hour. Maybe this is because I had other things to focus on, but Id like to think it is because my anxiety is decreasing even more. My fleeting thoughts about 'being too far away from home' or 'not being able to breathe' are becoming less frequent the more I reassure myself with positive statements. This is a very comforting feeling and one I have waited for desperately! I also went food shopping and panicking did not cross my mind at all.
However, tomorrow my mother is taking our dog to the vets in another city, about an hour away. Im not sure if Im ready to challenge this length of journey yet, especially as my partner is having hospital treatment and Im quite stressed. I keep thinking this is a rubbish excuse and I should push myself though it. I will have a think about this tonight but I doubt I will go. This week has been quite stressfull so far, regarding my partner and I dont want to over do it.
I am feeling very content with my life and can't wait for my partner to be home. I have definitely come on 'leaps and bounds' since October 2011 and Im really proud of myself.
For about 10 minutes or so before writing this, I remebered having my panic attack and ringing my friend saying worrying things such as 'im going crazy, im going to hurt myself' because I just wanted the racing thoughts in my mind to dissapear and I couldnt stop panicking or calm myself down. Its really upsetting to think I said that about myself but also showed how far Ive really come. That night I wanted to be unconscious or asleep and now Im sat here talking about it and realising it will never happen again. I know I cannot erase the past, but I wont let it be my future. I think this is a very positive thought to leave my post on and I will write again tomorrow to let you know what I have decided to do!
I hope some of you are getting some useful information from my posts! You're not insane, you will get better and you are normal!
Goodnight and keep strong!
xx

My make a list challenge

So for this week I decided it would be a good idea to do something 'out of the ordinary' each day. My list is:
Monday - go for a 30 min jog after uni
Tuesday - go to friends house
Wednesday - walk to the local shop
Thursday - go shopping in town centre
Friday - counselling
Saturday - attend friend's 21st Bday
These are achievable goals and will give me more confidence about future tasks when I have completed them. If I can do it, so can you! I hope youre attempting even one thing this week :)
It might be daunting but you will feel all the better for it when youve done it!
Xx

Therapy

Hello had my therapy again today! Finding them to be increasingly retrospective as I havent had a panic attack in awhile!
Im very positive and optimistic. I have looked on my first panic episode as an opportunity rather than a hinderance. It has forced me to address the fact I was anxious instead of brushing it under the carpet and allowing it to continue which I did in the past. I have had to face my fears and conquer them. This in turn has made me more optimistic because I can and have done the things I previously thought I couldnt and more. As I have said before I strongly believe in fate and that this has given me the platform to better my life x

Brilliant blog!

Found this blog whilst researching and the gentleman's tips are fantastic! Give them a go! I am definitely going to put his 'time and a place for worrying' suggestion into practice. Great metaphorical use by likening anxiety to a faulty alarm.

http://getoveranxiety.blogspot.com

MAKE A LIST CHALLENGE

Hello again. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to do things whether social, domestic or work related so I thought you may like to participate in a challenge.
Make a list of things you would like to do, achievable or not which will begin on Monday. Lets say around 5 such as walking the dog for an extra 10 minutes than usual, food shopping alone, going out for a sociable meal with friends etc. I will also do this and post my list. Each day do 1 of these things. Hopefully this excercise will make you realise you can do things you previously thought you couldnt and encourage you because you know other people are also doing this! At the end of the week whether you have done 3 of these things or 5 you can be proud you did something you thought you couldnt! Even one thing is a step in the right direction! Get thinking x

Another day at uni!

Hello people!
This weekend I was very proud of myself because I went on a night out in the local town. I was abit worried about the journey there but I kept talking to my friends and thinking if I want to go home Ill just get a taxi. My night was really good and I even got a taxi home by myself! Today I went to uni and for the first time in about 5 months I didnt panic on the way there. I read my notes and made annotations. I must admit this made me feel a little travel sick but I kept thinking of positive things like going shopping afterwards with my dad and how excited Ill be to see my partner when he comes home. This kept me in good spirits and in my seminar, if i got panicky Id tell myself "its just one hour, dont think about your breathing just listen to your lecturer" I also thought to myself "you have no stress in your life" because do I really? No. I have a supportive dad who drives me to&from uni, a mother eager to give me hugs, my lovely cats who keep me company and my partner to look to the future with. This really put a positive spin on my day and I hope to keep thinking like this. As usual I will tell you that happiness really does play a role in my panic attacks and I think its essential to getting back to normal. I hope some of my posts are helping you. Like ive said before, in October 2011 I thought id rather be dead. Now in February Im conquering it. Love and support to you all. You CAN beat this x

My tips for happiness

Happiness has been a key factor in my life since this all began. If i wasn't having a panic attack, I was depressed because I though I was going to have one, I felt like it was ruining my life etc.
To combat this I propose you literally do what makes you happy whether this is going for a walk with your dog, watching your favourite films, having a pig out! , changing careers, crying when you need to release some stress...
Personally I was too hard on myself with university. I kept thinking I'm not doing as well as I did with my A levels, I wont get a 'top job'. This is ridiculous. Doing a law degree is hard enough and as long as I get the degree what else matters.
I was also unhappy with my relationship because my partner& I never communicated. This changed when we started to talk about our issues eg making time for eachother and this made me much happier because there wasnt as much tension and anamosity.
Some suggestions for you would be;
Get out of bed when you cannot be bothered! This made a huge change to me because my outlook on the day was a more productive one. My house is now tidy, well looked after and washing and ironing is always done. This in turn created a more positive atmosphere for me. A tidy home is a tidy mind! Plus this activity could be a distraction for you if youre feeling particulary anxious.
Crying. I always, always go on about crying. It is essential to releasing stress and emotions you're feeling. I actually read an article that said that crying releases the stress chemical in your tears. Although this can be stipulated, I think crying when you need to cry is essential. I speak to so many of my friends that say they cry for no apparent reason sometimes. Good! Crying never did anyone any harm. Bottling your feelings up is certainly not going to do anything positive for your mental and physical health. If you want to cry, sod it and cry!
Look forward to things. Make plans with family and friends so if you are having a bad day you have something to focus your mind on! "I can get through my day because.." I'm looking forward to my birthday in April and seeing my partner when he returns. This cheers me up when I'm low and I start to look for birthday decor, or thinking about what I can cook when hes home.
Exercise. Lots and lots of websites advise you to exercise when you're feeling low because it releases 'feel good' chemicals into your body. Personally I'm just happy with the thinking time that going for a walk or jog gives me. Its also a change of scenery if you have been stuck in the house or office and you need an escape.
Acceptance and forgiveness I was so angry with my mother and father for not listening to me for years when I used to panic which then culminated into panic disorder. My relationship with my mother suffered and this resulted in me isolating my from my family. I have now made peace with this because I realise I cannot change the past. This is my life and I will take control to make it better.
I was also fed up, frustrated, depressed that I had panic disorder. "Why me?" "why cant it just go away" Truth is sometimes it might happen but its not going to ruin my life. It will go away but it will just take time. Everybody in the world has been affected by some sort of mental illness whether it be depression, anxiety, grief... so I'm not a freak or 'not normal' because I panic, it is just a temporary ailment and I'm not going to be hard on myself because of it.
This is where my therapist really peed me off. She said "you shouldn't say that other people suffer so its OK because it sounds like you don't want to change" I do want to change and I will change, but whilst I am feeling like this I wont be angry or upset with myself because how will I ever be happy? I don't think she is right there.
Trust Yourself. This experience made me lose my confidence and rely on the opinions and advice of others. Obviously it is very beneficial to ask for help and I would suggest this 100% but also trust your own mind. From Octover 2011 I have become 'friends' with myself again. This may sound very strange but when I had my panic episode I lost all trust in my mind and body because I wasnt in control of them for those few days because of the panicky thoughts and sweating, trembling. Since then I have regained this by making my own mind up and trusting myself. I did this by thinking rationaly, doing little things by myself like going for a walk or going to the shops by myself. This made me realise I was safe to do things by myself without the reassurance of others and I was in control of my mind. I didnt rely on other people as much which made me feel more independant and that panic had less control over my life. This may be a strange concept to you but it has had a huge impact on me because I finally feel like Im back in control and can stop panic thoughts before they grow into a full blown panic attack.
Lastly, I'm not advising you go out, quit your job, split up with your partner and make rash decisions. I just think that making some minor changes to your lifestyle may benefit you if you're not in a happy place such as adding a walk to your daily routine, allowing yourself to have an emotional release, having a more positive outlook.
This is your life, you already have anxiety so dont let anything else affect you aswel :)