A Bit About The Author

So you've read about my life, but you don't really know me.


Ive left the blog anonymous because I didnt want just a single group of people to identify with me, I wanted it to be able to help everybody who wished to know something.

For this reason I wont disclose my name or location but Ill let you know other random bits and bobs about myself.

I am, if you don't know, a female.
Im an Aries.
I'm the Director of a Company.
I like cats, dogs, rabbits, pigs and basically all animals and Im against animal cruelty.
I'm not a vegetarian, no. But fair enough if you are.
I prefer Horror over Comedy and Rom Coms but I do like 'Stand Up Comedians'
I'm very much a 'girlie girl' prefering all things aesthetic, rather than au-naturale
I have 4 Alevels and 2 years of a Degree.
I like documentaries on serial killers or 90s gritty, english crime scene shows - wire in the blood, waking the dead, jonathan creek (I know, not really policey)
I'm not big on music, I dont really have a genre, I think im quite open to very much all of it.
Politically I don't have a party, but I do vote (Im a woman, its basically a sin if i dont)
I'm not religious, but I respect my friends who are and I'm still interested.
I have 2 tattoos.
I love shopping and cocktails.


 At some point, I will reveal my identity but I think it will be very much in the future.
So until then, youve got 7.046 billion to guess through (If you've even bothered)

Have a lovely night or morning

x




 

Confessions of Panic Disorder is now Panic Attacks

Ive changed the name, if you can notice (Not sureee, Im not good with this sort of stuff)
I also had a little Google check to see where we're coming up - I say 'we' I actually mean I , but I do like to think of us as a sort of community (readers and myself) Yes I know still confusing. Ill stop using collective terminology now :)

Anyways, what I found particularly upsetting is how many blogs I found with people who described themselves as being their illness.
You are not panic disorder, panic attacks, panic, anxiety. You are you.

Please do not ever feel that you are a slave to whatever 'it' is.
It is something uncomfortable, inconvenient and upsetting thats jumped onto your life, but it is still not you.

How hopelessly depressing to think of it in such a way and what a horrible message to give out to people.

You are a beautiful collection of many things.


UPDATE: I did go on to beat anxiety 3 years after writing this; read how in my latest post HERE 

How I think Im going to get over it

Well Ive been feeling much better.
Anyway I've been having some really long and brilliant thinking time, its strange that now Ive got more time on my hands Ive got passed the point of being down about it and got to some really critical, analytic and positive thinking.
Anyway Its took me about 2 years but I finally sort of realise what it is that bothers me, its 'catastrophizing' When something happen my head FEELS like its the end of the world although that thought doesnt cross my mind and I dont think "The world is ending"
I feel the blackness of doom and despair and like everything is bad but I dont actually have those thoughts, I think because thier subconscious, ingrained and so automatic I probably don't notice.
Yes I realise Im being a bit manic but Im sort of giving you the dialogue of whats been floating in my brain and piecing it all together.
I feel bad because I think Ive failed (already knew that about uni) but obviously this is now being applied to all sorts of aspects of my life so the feeling associated with it, is now being projected onto other situations and clearly makes me feel downright shit.

In retaliation to this, Ive been  remembering the times when Id walk round the city when I lived there, on my own, shopping without a care and actually enjoying my own company and the freedom and independence.  Ive been visualizing it in my head, the shopping trips, the walks to restaurants, then the meals at the restaurants, the nights out and this is really having a positive effect on me because BEFORE id been constantly reinforcing my fears by going over and over my panic attacks and how they felt and then in turn feeling scared.
Now im reinforcing the good. Its not "Im going to be ok in this situation because the outcome may not be what I think it will" Its hard actual proof that I once did those things and was OK.Its memories I can look back on and remember and feel.
I'm re-programming myself to feel how I NATURALLY felt before this happened because I think my anxiety is learnt.
I want the good feelings to be more powerful than the fears so that when i go into that situation, it isnt the bad panicky feelings that arise "last time I had a panic attack" "last time I felt really scared and upset", its the encouraging, confident and REAL memories I want to prevail.

Ive tried to find this somewhere on Google, but I got bored of looking at higgldy piggldy websites that say coping mechanisms are the way forward. No thanks, Id rather re-programme my own mind than live in fear forever.  I was ok before the attack, and then after the attack I restricted my life as I was frightened of having another attack. I was applying what Id LEARNT to other siatuations (adapting) because my mind mistakenly believed it was protecting itself.

I guess the way round it is CBT related (Im going to have to concentrate  on making the memories powerful and then go into the situations - remember the whole Harry Potter and Death Eaters "expecto protronum" situation, its like that) but Ive never heard the cause of panic explained to me in such a way I understood why it had happend, and Im big on whys and how comes. 


Do you remember a time when you didnt panic?
Think about it and FEEL it.
You could have, like me, spent a whollle load of time reinforcing the anxiety attacks, the feeling of sheer terror, the dread and the shit times and your mind is going to fight like hell to bring them back in your head when you do something 'scary', because it thinks its looking after you - "Heyy look at this memory, look how you felt last time. Run home girl, its not safe here!" Think the survival instinct on acid. Its up to you and me, to fight it. Yes Ive been giving it a half hearted attempt previously, but now Ive got my own head around the 'why is this happening' I feel like im well equipped with dealing with it.
  
What else?

Having no job was making me feel pretty shit, yea it happens to everybody but still repetitively going over the "ill have no money" "I have no purpose" thoughts really does make you feel crappy even if you have someone 'whos been there done that, worn the t shirt and has now got a new job' telling you otherwise.
So,  after awhile I thought, no Im actually the director of a company. Yes is might be online, and not running YET as in nobody can pay using their card for a few weeks, Still its a big achievement for someone who's in their early twenties.I looked from a different perspective, not because anybody asked me to but because Ive obviously still got an optimist in me yet. (Go on Girl)

I also went onto my old Facebook Account, and purely by chance looked at my old inbox messages to my partner from when I lived in the city centre in a cute little apartment that looked like I was in cell block H. (Id have some great dinners with some of the Chinese girls that lived in the apartment too, introduced them to Sambucca and Indian food and honestly was so fricking social, always out for meals - yes I was a thrifty student always in my overdraft but i was happy and always out and about, shopping like I said) The messages I read showed a complete juxtaposition from myself then to now, I was so happy in my language, talking of the night out Id had previously with a flatmate, how Id meet him at the train station when he came back (Id walk the 2 miles and enjoy it) and I had an exam the next day

It didnt make me think, shit look what I'm like now, it made me think I AM STILL that girl, Ive just got to relearn going out in a busy environment and being independent.

I remember my first ever night there, Id never lived away from home and I was frozen like a statue in bed, quite sad and unsure what I should be doing with myself. When the flat mates moved in the next day, I still wouldnt catch a bus into town prefering to walk, but over time that changed and Id happily hop on one to the centre of town by myself, do whatever I needed to do and go home. I was the envy of my friends living in such a social, trendy place able to go to famous and up and coming places.
This is only 2 years ago.

I was scared, but I got over it because I was in the situation so long I had to. If I didnt go shopping, I wouldnt eat (well yes If i had things in the fridge but they'd run out, but it called for more independance)

Im going to hold onto this, re -reading this post and the messages and visualizing the times I had there, even writing them down and meditating about them at night if I have to. I learnt to be anxious because of one horrible day (if you dont know that story read it  HERE) and Ive reinforced being scared in most aspects of my life as opposed to before the attack when I lived in one of the busiest cities in the UK.

The other thing is - If I try things, what is the worst that's going to happen? Ill feel like I did 2 years ago, and 2 years later I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm still OK.

You could have them days where you are thinking "whats the point" "when is this shit going to end" - I do, we all do. The point is you, you are fucking worth it, you are worth a lovely life thats as sociable and fear free as you are happy with and YOU are going to get there. (I'm glad I wrote it this way, because like I said, Ill read this back to motivate me as well)

Tomorrow I'm going into town to get my provisional so I can pass my driving test like I said I would. That's one of the steps.
After reading this back and editing it, Im feeling nostalgic and actually reallyyy wanting to go back to the city and I might go tomorrow - Ill let you know.

1st Jan I will be posting my Vision Board for the year. Lets see what I can do when I try, because Im bored of knowing what I can do when I dont.

Love x

Health is Wealth

Hello,

Well I had a huge chat with my parents after the whole 'is diazepam making me depressed' turns out I got a lot of home truths that really did make me feel a hell of alot better.
Im feeling shity because Im not in the job that I want, not where I want to be and not going where I want to go. Ive let panic attacks effect my life and Ive become so unhappy with the consequences.
But, as sad as Ive been Ive had nothing to spur me on. If I dont go to uni will I still have a roof over my head? Yes. If I dont get a job tomorrow will I still eat? Yes. Ive lost my independence, my drive The trouble is, Ive had no leverage to get off my backside and start fighting for my right for a decent life.

I'm stuck in this "my lifes crappy but Im ok to be like this" cycle.

Not anymore.

A friend of mine said that being depressed has allowed her to build herself back up to be the person she wanted to be.

Sometimes you've got to hit rock bottom, to reach higher than youve ever been.

So, Im applying for my provisional driving license again, I'm joining the gym, I wont be taking any diazepam again unless absolutely necessary and I may even take drastic measures by cutting myself off financially from my parents and partner so I bloody well have to go out and do things without asking for a lift because I cant bare to be out alone, or sitting in the house because im 'scared' of going to the store. Why? because I absolutely cannot feel shit and helpless like that again, Im a grown woman.

Downfall of Diazepam

So ive still been feeling realllly shitty, generally down and blue but tonight I was feeling really detached from reality, which only really happens at the peak of my panic for a few seconds, but this happened without panicking. It was really unsettling unpleasant and honestly I felt hopeless and awful :(!! I was convinced nobody could help me.
So turning to the only thing I had, diazepam, I took 1 2mg tablet and told my partner how I was feeling.
I came home and told my parents how crappy and not myself I felt. Basically grabbing at straws because at this point I genuinely thought I was losing my mind.
However;
Could It be the diazepam?
Remember my mum saying its like methodone?
I told her the detached and black moods I was feeling and she told me to look up the side effects. Obviously id done this before taking them but faced with sheer terror, youll pop anything.
Depression is a side effect as is trembling which at the moment im shaking head to toe and cant control it. Not a panic tremble but twitches from my hands, thighs and stomach. Obviously the tablets arnt agreeing with me on a physical level but could they be interfering with me mentally?
When these things eventually wear off will my mood be lifted or can I attribute the feelings to being out of work and having quite a few panicky moments recently which have disheartened me and made me question how ill cope with another job, how ill get there ect?
No idea but fingers crossed ill feel better in the morning. Its 23.53 and im feeling quite tired.
x o x o

Down day

Hello,
Having a down day today.
Because I have so much time to think im thinking back to when I stopped going to university, how ive let panic alter my life.
Judging from the fact this was 2 years ago its clear to me that not finishing my degree has had a big impact on my life.
In my parents eyes ive not become the high achiever they expected or wished for. I know this obviously weighs heavily on my mind.
Along with the past, ive been worrying about the future. Will there ever be a time when I dont panic? Will panicking impact anymore career opportunities?
Ive got alot of time on my hands to ponder all of these worries before I begin working again and sometimes its hard to have a healthy attitude towards a situation that has been greatly influenced by panic attacks.

However, writing this is alleviating my worries and im a great bealiever in fate.
Panicking has caused me huge suffering, stifled some of my 'dreams' and generally been a nightmare but ive been guided to something I genuinely enjoy which is a new career path entirely. Would I have found this without quitting uni and joining a role which involved this? No.

Every cloud has its silver lining.

Also I feel as though there is a link between depression and anxiety. When I feel hopeless and nothing will get better I do start to panic.

Positive thoughts = no panic.

To be honest I think im going through a lot of turmoil ending my job, with the future uncertain and having no routine. Ill let you know how I feel tomorrow x x

Tonight

Hello!
Well not quite the day I thought id have.
Ended up watching an episode of Poirot then going to the pharmacy for my partner then we went out for a meal.
Not a restaurant that far away but it was still nice to 'test the water' as it were.
I had a small glass of white wine with my meal and I really feel fine!
Im staying over with him at his parents house and honestly, I feel like im back to myself. If I have a fleeting thought of anxiety or escape, I correct myself that I dont need to go home, im in control of my mind and if needs be I have tablets. Feeling alot more confident in myself! Ive noticed my vision has been slightly impaired, as I said last night with typing and that doesnt seem to be wearing off but I dont mind. Its a small price to pay for calming down and ive taken nothing today :-)

Goodnight all! Wish I tried them sooner

*Please consult your doctor/physician if youre thinking of medication*

Morning/afternoon!

So I do feel a bit sluggish but I woke up with some refreshed enthusiasm and determination. Positive thoughts = positive life. How can I stop having panic attacks if I only think of worse case scenarios and what ifs? I think if I change my thoughts, I can change my fear. Im going to try harder to attack and question worries and then flood my mind with positivity. I cant think like sh*t and expect to one day wake up "better".
Also, I now know the tablets really work. I can take one even two in the event of an attack.
So today the plan is to get some nice foods, movies and head on over to my partners whos feeling quite poorly. Ill let you know how I get on.

You cant have a positive life, with a negative mind.

My most recent attack & taking diazepam (valium)

Hi All,

Well ive not had the best day..
Let me fill you in on what Ive been up to:

My partner has come back from working away and I resigned from my job to go to another place of work starting November 20th.
Ive been quite bored, doing minimal work on my own business venture in my spare time and doing quite a lot of travelling with my partner to 'make up for lost time' Places he wants to go, meals out ect.
I dont think Ive acknowledged how many stressful things I have going on at once. ( I hate thinking I have it any worse than anyone else so I'm not trying to say I'm starving, poor ect)
Ive been putting pressure on myself to do everything my partner wants to do, out of fear that if not my anxiety will be the downfall of our relationship. I think many of you will be able to understand. The thoughts of "if I don't go here he will be disappointed" or "why cant i be a normal girlfriend for him" All of which are unfounded by the way, as my partner is very understanding, but if you love someone you worry.
Being out of a routine and not being in the highly pressurized and fast paced environment I'm used to, has sort of knocked me for 6 and given me a lot of dangerous thinking time.
Ive found myself being rather down in the dumps which Ive always thought contributes to being anxious.

I finally hit breaking point the other day when I burst into tears because I couldn't face going to the shopping center / mall/ whatever you would like to call it because we were stuck in traffic and it was making me freak out. I was worrying about the amount of people there, what if i panicked, how would we 'escape' if i did panic and how would i calm down.
I felt so guilty and angry with myself for 'ruining' his holiday and not being this perfect, sociable person I had encouraged and wished myself to be when he came home.

Today I booked a doctors appointment and after going without 'meds' or any tablet/medical help for so long agreed to try diazepam 'as and when' the panic came on. - So not regularly and not long term.

I felt quite happy with myself but decided not to take them today as I had a 'girls night in' tonight with a friend and a date with a bottle of wine. (Youre not meant to mix valium and alcohol)

When I got home, I started to feel slightly defeated that i had 'given in' to tablets. That I coudlnt 'do it on my own' Stupid really as Ive not failed at all, If anything Im triumphing because Im doing something about it.

I spoke to my mum who - as great as she is being mumsy- doesnt agree with tablets, said they are "as bad as methodone", I need to get a hold of myself and that I need to see someone. To me, this smacks of my first panic attack where they(Parents) suggested I should be sectioned if I didnt 'calm down' As you can imagine, hearing this off the one person in the world who is meant to do everything in their power to look after you freaked me the f*ck out  (Excuse my french)
I started to feel dizzy - very unusual for my panics, and I felt sheer terror with thoughts like "What if I panic, how will I calm down?"( As the tablets had obviously become my fail safe) I decided I needed to go to hospital as nobody could help me. Completely ridiculous when writing this now, but in that moment, you feel like cutting out a part of your brain in the only option. Anyway I somehow reasoned my way out of that, and decided Id go to my bestfriends house who is imensely suportive, absolutely brilliant and talking me though this and has also had panic attacks and tablets to 'ease' them.

*Just received a text from the partner to say hes then when I need to talk - Utterly brilliant man - smiles*

Back to tonight.

I got half way there, in the car with my 'tries to be there but cant or wont comprehend that mental health problems arnt something to lose your fucking mind over' Mum which I suspect in her efforts to get me there, was her last ditch attempt at helping me tonight , and I had to turn round. All I coudl think of is that the tablets would go some way in helping me.

I came back home, went online to look at what sort of dose I ought to take whilst in the midst of panic. The muscles in my legs were tight, my thoughts were uncontrollable but I remeber half heartedly chucking a 2mg tablet into my mouth and saying "Im doing this for me because I deserve to fele better"

I went onto Facebook to scour throught profiles, aimless staus updates, anything to keep my mind off what was going on and you know i honestly honestly feel better.

Now I AM NOT SAYING rush to the doctors and demand some tablets.
Im just saying, in my case after 2 years of trying to  "do it myself" , briefly having a course of CBT and only taking these when I actually had a panic attack they have worked ( 1 2mg tablet).

I think its been about 20-30 minutes. I briefly had a headache for around 5 minutes. I dont feel light headed just abit 'slow' For example im an extremely quick & accurate typer but Im having to correct my spelling every so often. Maybe its a placebo effect and its all in my head, but I honestly dont care.

Id happily take a drug, compared to methodone or not, if it takes me out of that sheer terror.

Im wondering about the future as you cant take them forever understandably, I can image i really will want to. I'm a bit hesitant about going back out still - nobody in their right mind wuld want to bring that back onto themselves but Im optimistic. So ill let you know if and what happens if i do!

During this I drew a parallel with my mum. She wasn't present during the original panic attack but every one since. I wouldn't blame anybody for bringing this upon me, I think that being around someone who doeskin seem like they can 'help' you in that situation inst great. I love my mum to bits and I couldnt be anymore greatful for all of the love and support both financial and emotional Ive had since the begining of my life. I just dont think some people deal well with it.

For example shes just offered to take me to the spa next month. Yes im greatful and so blessed to have such a selfless and generous parent but thats not really going to sort out my anxiety is it.

Saying that, my wonderful partner just dropped off a beautiful bunch of red roses. - Maybe I am being a bit hard on my mum.

Il let you know how I feel tomorrow, but in short Im Impressed with how fast acting and effective they are in the panic attack.
My plan is to live my life as normal, trying things and if it gets too much then I will take them.