Big Test

Hi All,

I may have recently mentioned I have a train journey dwindling in the near/distant future.
Its across the country, on my own so Im quite scared If Im honest!
I really want to do it as it will mean the world to my partner and although hes been really supportive I feel like panic has been the third person in our relationship. Id really like to do this and show him how much I appreciate all of the help and love he's given me to help me over the past year.
My plan is to do more things on my own up until then - My thinking is that this will gear me up for the 'Big Tamale' I really should stop using metaphors to make it seem even more overwhelming :(!

I may also use something I found quite helpful once which is 'Bach Rescue Remedy' Or test out a few herbal 'calmy calmy' supplements in the run up - If i do Ill let you know how i get on!

I knowww - If ive become so independant why do I need herbal remedies to take the edge off - This is the first journey Ive done solo in my life over 300 miles. I think Ill need something a little extra for my first go!

 Either way Im getting on the 'Express' Train which means theres no stops but the journey is quicker.

My plan is to post the whole journey so you see everything from my eyes.

Ill keep you posted! 

Im a mobile 'blogger' again

Ive downloaded the blogger app onto my phone so I can keep you up to date everyday again!

I also thought id let you know what ive done this year (that I thought I couldnt do)

In my last post I said I hadnt gone abroad, strictly speaking ive not been to spain or anywhere exotic or on a plane yet however I did go to Wales with my dad. Over two hundred miles away, on a motorway and saw the sea. Did I also mention it is another country!! Pretty good going!

Ive been on a train! I do need to do this more often but it was suprisingly easier than anticipated.

Ive been shopping in the city centre and other big shopping centres. Usually id die at the thought of this since its where I had my first panic attack. But no. I went right past Next and the infamous toilets and had a lovely afternoon spending more money than I should have :)

I suggest days or nights out when I wouldnt have dreamt of doing this in Oct 2011.

Hello strangers,

Its been over a year since I last posted and my its been a rollercoaster of a journey.
I left univeristy and started a job, something I hold as a big achievement as Ive held it down for nearly a year and never had a full blown panic attack there, ever!
Infact, my last one was 8 months ago nearly. Wow that sounds so wonderful adding it up.

Whats been happening?
In all honesty, work , work work. I have a day job where i project administrate. Gobbeldy gook I know but its basically organising a few managers. Not my ideal job but Im just glad Im on the first stepping stone on the career ladder. I also have another new business which you will have to wait and see, as I do, how it turns out.
I go out quite frequently now, for drinks and for meals out with friends and my fiance. Who is still my absolute rock by the way :)

I wanted to write as Id been reminded about this blog and didnt want to 'give up' on anyone who may be in the situation as I was when I wrote about my first panic attack.
I used to wonder when it would ever stop, was I destined to be sat in the same four walls, in the same town forever. I promise you it will pass.

Two things I have learnt:

Repetition, repetition, repetition. The first day at work was hard, infact the first week. Id worry(not full blown panic) and think well if i panic i can get my mum to pick me up etc. But after awhile I really did get used to it. Like I said before Ive never ever had a panic attack

 You will be pleasantly surprised. How you imagine a situation to be, is usually not how it will turn out at all. Recently I went to a fundraiser in a town about 15 miles away. I know, its a short distance, but its somewhere id never been before so it was a new challenge. I thought oh god, I bet ill get scared on the way and have to talk myself down from a panic attack. Nope, I really enjoyed the scenery and celebrated my worry free journey with a well deserved malibu and coke.

What else can you do? Rely on yourself.
You are your own friend. Sometimes I do have to talk myself down as it were. I say to myself "what if i panic?" but now I reply with "ok, but what if i dont, how proud will i be of myself if i go there. just do it babe"

I recently found out Ill need to go to London in a few months and this started to worry me a bit. When I came on here, like i said, I read my first panic attack situation and it gave me a huge lump in my throat. That fighter that was so hopeful and intent on getting her life back is sat right here, with a full time job able to go out and do what she likes. Granted Ive not gone abroad yet, but I will do and seeing just how far Ive come is an incentive enough.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

 

Keep going. 

Hello strangers!

Hello again. I realise it has been many months since I last wrote and for that reason I owe you an explanation. 1 of the reasons is that I moved house and had no internet connection however, this had its benefits as I could observe my experiences with less bias as I had nobody to report back to ect.
I will let you know what Ive done since I last spoke. I have sat some of my university exams and when I begin again in September I will be in my last year (yay) I've been on numerous nights out, some in other cities! Ive even been 250 miles away from home.
And now youre thinking what is your secret and how the heck have you done this?
Basically I have come to the conclusion that you must make peace again with your mind. When you are anxious and it effects your life greatly, your mind is very muddled with racing thoughts and worrying that you will think things that in turn makes you think them things! Through spending time thinking to myself and rationalising I have been able to 'make friends' with myself again.
A great great GREAT book i can recommend is 'metacognitive therapy for anxiety and depression' by Adrian Wells that I bought on Amazon. The beginning is very technicial and I did become slightly frustrated that it didnt give me a miracle cure on page 1 but when you realise this is something you have to understand in order to get past it, then you get to the really good stuff. I'm about half way through now but the biggest thing that the book has taught me so far is that these thoughts eg 'i need to go home' 'i'm not safe' 'i'm going to panic' are just thoughts and they are not actually you and if you think about it this way you can get on with your daily life observing them but not paying attention, if you get where I'm coming from.
I too found this hard to grasp but if I explain it in this way it may become clearer. Say you have a hangover or a tummy bug, you feel unpleasant. BUT if you start to think about sickly things such as another alcoholic drink or food you will feel even worse and probably be sick as will anxious thoughts put us into a full blown panic if we are already anxious.
What do we learn about being ill? Well for one it will pass (in most cases where someone is not seriously ill, which we are assuming non of we are) How many people are 'sick' or 'hungover' for a year? Nobody. Being sick does not put you off ever eating again or ever drinking. Most of us would drink another alcoholic drink without a second thought even though it had previously made us poorly.
I find this idea very comforting. Yes you might be anxious but so what? It will go away and cant last and It shouldn't put you off doing certain things.
Using this idea, I dont ignore anxious thoughts I just think to myself they are things that occur in my mind and I don't pay attention to them.
I know this is very hard to understand and it does take practise. Sometimes I can be out and about and have to say to myself 'that was just a thought' but this is ok. My CBT therapist actually advised me against this because apparently 'self talk' keeps the thoughts going. I think this is ridiculous. Anxiety (i think) is a learnt behaviour and reflex so by doing this we are retraining the mind to observe but not act on such things.
Now I find I do not pay attention to things as much. When I was very anxious Id think all sorts of things like 'Ive just taken another step that means Im further away from home, this is very bad and Im not safe' Id pay attention to my surroundings so much I couldn't function. Id lie in bed and think my breathing was going to fast or my heartbeat was. Now Ill find myself thinking about future plans or what I'm having for tea.
Ill admit I have still things I want to do that I haven't done yet but I now believe in myself and think I can do this whereas before I wouldn't even consider it!
I walk the dog everyday, I go on nights out and for meals and I can do simple things like go food shopping without listening to anxious thoughts telling me to leave. We all have good days and bad days and this is OK.
Another thing Ive learnt is dont be so hard on yourself.
One week I found myself being so demanding on myself I couldn't do anything without panicking at all! Just because you cant do everything you want in one week, it doesn't mean you wont be able to do some of the things the next!
Talk to people. Since this whole experience, I've spoken to so many people about how I feel which lessens my embarrassment and makes me feel more comfortable and in turn less anxious! Panic attacks are so common you wouldn't believe. I guarantee you will know people who have had or having them and just don't say anything!

The last thing I'll say is you will get better and this is something Ill promise you, because you will.
I do loads of things I didn't think I could do and so can you!!

"you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it"


"smile through the storm, it will be sunny again soon"

Thursdayy - finally something WORKED for me

Hello all!
So I did my CBT homework and got on a bus. The next day I went to my CBT session and told my therapist Id done what he suggested and survived. He then told me to get on a longer bus journey eg back from university. I was slightly anxious about this because this is what I was meant to do on the day of my massive panic attack in October and I couldnt get on the bus because I was panicking.
Anyway I agreed to do it because Im seeing how far I can push myself, an experiment of sorts.
The next day ( Wednesday) I went to university as usual and it was fine. I didnt panic in my seminar at all.
On the way back, a little away from university, I got on a bus.
At first it was sheer terror because I had seen my dad drive away and thought "oh god this is it" I was clutching my phone thinking "ill text him and get him to come back, Ill get off the bus I cant do it" But I thought no, lets see how long I can do this and not text him. I forced myself to sit there and thought If this feeling is as bad as it is going to get, bring it on. My heart was pumping, I was shaking, sweating and thinking I needed to escape but I didnt I stayed on the bus because I deserve to have a panic free life. I told myself I was stayin on that bus all the way to the end and you know what happened?
After 15 minutes my panic had gone altogether.
Thats right gone. I was sat there looking out of the windows and thinking this is ok.
My CBT therapist had told me I wasnt allowed to use any 'safety behavious' eg talking positively to myself, distracting myself. I had to focus on what I was doing. And you know what it really worked.
I sat there and really went through hell but I made it, and after the panic had risen to its highest point and I didnt escape or start texting or distracting myself, it died away.
I pulled into the bus station and felt so happy and proud of myself!!!!! Ill never forget that feeling.
Not escaping from the situation and facing it was the best thing for me personally because every time I leave a situation because Im scared it always makes me feel worse and the anxiety is more prolonged.
After my bus journey I had no knock-on effects like feeling upset or shaking, I felt amazed with myself.
Today I got up at 6am ( a lot earlier than usual) to go out with my friend to a different town, which is not what I would 'normally' do as a panicker. On the way there I kept telling myself you can do this, if you panic you know what will happen and youll get through it. I didnt panic and stayed out for 8 hours today :)
I got home and felt very productive and tidied some of my house before making tea and relaxing with a small glass of wine.
Im very proud of myself this week! I URGE YOU trust me and face your fears.
It needs a serious degree of effort and you have to believe in yourself! I am so sick of panic Ill literally throw anything at it so I am.
 When you feel that wave of panic come over you dont rush to escape, stay in the situation and focus on it. After awhile I PROMISE it will decrease and after awhile you may not feel any anxiety in the situation at all. This may take 30mins - 1hr but it WILL go away! It is a self - fullfilling prophecy so if you think it will beat you, it will! BUT if you Take it on and say you will not beat me, you cannot hurt me, I swear with every ounce of truth I have it will not.
YOU deserve a life unrestricted by panic and the only way thats going to happen is if you take it by both horns and say Ive had enough, things are going to change and be brave.
I found it so so hard I wanted to cry on that bus, but I won the battle, I sat on it.

I hope this was helpful, it really really did work for me!! xxxxx

Waiting to get on the bus..

So im on the bus now. Paid my £1.80 :) slightly anxious but im feeling good! Bring it on kind of mood. Its set off. Comforting it goes as fast as a car. Nice big space not claustraphobic at all. Bus driver also seemed really nice. Looking out of windows. Not many people on it either. Feeling fine. Breathing steadily in threw nose&out threw mouth. And there I am nearly at the stop I said Id meet my dad at :) better than i thought amd defonitely not what i expected. Negative thoughts really arnt reality. Completed my homework woohoo!!xxxx

Monday

Hello! Its Monday night!
ON Friday my partners sister came round with her boyfriend. It was nice to see them both. I then went next door to my friends for a drink.
On Saturday and Sunday I mostly cleaned the house for when my partner comes home! Its been quite relaxing to be honest.
Today I was quite anxious about travelling to hospital with my friend for her hospital appointment, but I kept telling myself that it was a serious appointment and she really needed me there so I just got on with it. Months ago I would have panicked I was too far away from home and would have had to let her down and feel really bad about it, instead I knew I had a mobile phone so I couldnt get 'stuck' anywhere and I was in a hospital - if anything its the safest place to be haha! When she was in her appointment I read my magazine and did a crossword. This really helped me to distract myself from thinking negative thoughts. We got a taxi home and I didnt panic once during the journey!
Tonight Im going to get on a bus, which is the 'homework' my CBT therapist gave me for tomorrow morning. I know Ive left it late but Ive had a busy week and aslong as I actually do it then thats fine, no point stressing myself out with it. After my CBT session Im going bakc to the hospital with my friend. I think doing this again will reinforce the fact that nothing bad will happen to me and that I can travel again. Yipee!
Getting on with things and not thinking up excuses is really helping me to 'quit' anxiety. Instead of thinking "what can I say to get out of this" I just do it instead.
My CBT therapist told me that If I stay in a situation for long enough my anxiety will start to decrease and if I repeat that situation again and again eventually Ill have no anxious feelings towards it. This is my mantra at the moment and im sticking with it.
Again I will repeat what I always say. In October I really thought I shouldnt be here anymore because I was just 'existing' by not fullfiling any of my goals and not going out, now Im beginning to live again. If I can do it so can you!!!! Trust me, Ive been there.
xxx