Diary 3 06/02/2012

Hello again! Sorry I have not written in awhile but have been busy ( doing lots of things you'll be pleased to hear) so I have lots to tell you!
On Friday I had my second counselling session. It went very well and I always feel a sense of relaxation and calmness when it has finished. We have been talking about setting goals to make me more confident in a variety of situations starting from things I feel least panicked about to those that make me have multiple panic attacks. My most feared situation is being alone in the country again when my parents are away so I am trying to become more independent with food shops, walking to my friends or going for jogs alone and so on until I am completely self reliant if needs be and therefore I will not have to worry I cannot cope.
At first I was quite anxious and emotional about this because I felt like I was trying to climb a mountain but the fact is, I can climb that mountain, it is not impossible and I WILL do it because I refuse to let this ruin my life.
I have visited my friend's alone and while there I thought wow what if I panic, but for once I broke the cycle and thought no I can control this and distracted myself until I forgot all about it. I no longer panic when doing my weekly food shop and think if i do panic nobody will think I'm 'weird' or 'strange' because they will be more concerned with me being O.K. and the task of shopping takes me mind off my anxiety. A big achievement I am very proud of is walking to the hospital at night time to visit my boyfriend who had been in a car accident. As I'm writing this I'm thinking to myself  "wow that's frightening" but at the time I was so determined and preoccupied with the stress of something else, I did it by myself. I think the process of 'getting better' is just retraining your brain to understand you can do things and you will be fine. I have likened panic to a drug addiction - ridiculously hard to get over and is a habit that is difficult to break but you CAN stop that addiction just like cigarettes, alcohol or drugs.
We seem to live in an age where admitting that something has affected us is embarrassing and inappropriate and this is true of mental illness is general, something I have touched on in previous posts, however I have found that reassuring myself that I can tell my boyfriend, parent or friend when I'm panicky helps to relieve my panic because I know there is someone to support me and this takes off the added pressure of feeling like people will think I'm weird or strange when I start doing my breathing exercises, because it isn't strange. You wouldn't stare at an asthma sufferer for taking his inhaler.
Thinking positive and understanding stress is also helping me a lot. When I start to feel unhappy or panicky about life in general, I look on the brighter side of things. I have coped so far in much more challenging circumstances so why shouldn't I be able to now. I also think to myself "I am feeling this way because I am upset about stresses of university/paying the bills etc" so I am not worried about what I'm feeling and what it means because I know what my worries are and that my body is responding to the stress this is causing me. I can then deal with the issue and find a way of resolving it by either rationalising my worry - I have an exam. It is normal to feel anxious and anybody would, and thinking more positively - The journey to and from university will be fine but if I do start to get anxious I can play my music or relaxation tapes through my headphones. The journey will not last forever.
I also think that writing my emotions down here and talking about them to my counsellor is really helping to get them off my chest and stop them from lowering my mood. I can free my mind to concentrate on other things such as university work, planing social events with my friends and seeing my boyfriend instead of anxiety dominating my life.
Although things are going well I do realise I will have my bad days but I am now confident that other people feel exactly the same. I can write these anxieties down, talk to my counsellor or boyfriend about them and I will come out of it a stronger and more determined person.

My thought of the day is "If you don't give up you can never fail"

Keep going x

How to cope with panic attacks/panic disorder

1. Take your anxiety with you..........feel those sensations, knowing they are NOT a disease that will harm you/kill you. Learn to rebreathe into a paper bag, because most of the dizzy/light headed sensations are because of oxygen/carbon dioxide imbalance....rebreathing into a paper bag helps this or breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth.

2. Eat small regular meals, every 2/3 hrs. When we dont eat for a while, sugar levels are effected, and eventually adrenaline is released...causing more panic.

3. Get into a bedtime routine of...no caffine after 6pm, a warm bath, good book, bedroom nice temperature, and use music on low to help you drift off.

4. Try aromatherapy oils such as Lavender, or Neroli. A few drops in your palms, rub together, inhale. Use also as a massage in olive oil.

5. Read read read......by fully understanding panic and anxiety, you will be able to come to terms with it. Knowledge is the key.

6. DONT STOP going out to work or out socially. Your panic WANTS to control you, dont let it. Feel it, but go about your day.

7. See your GP, because medication can be of great help. Try counselling through the NHS or privately. Bach rescue remedy helps some people.

8. Talk to family and friends or post on panic forums to other sufferers.

9. Never give up.

10. Dont drink too much alcohol, it never helps anxiety.

11. Get some fresh air everyday, half an hour is fine.


This was taken from a forum I read on http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ posted by a 'Paula Lynne' I found this most useful& hope it will also help you too.

Mission Statement

Although I have written a welcome statement, I think its important to talk about why I want to do this. I want this blog to help people understand that they are not alone and they can follow me though my journey which will possibly give them an insight into what therapy they may wish to take or not take. Another important reason is that I have been through panic attacks and disorder myself, so when I read other sufferers on forums talking about how their life is miserable, their lives won't get better and how frightenend and vulnerable they feel it makes me even more passionate to help.
I have been the person trembling under the covers, the person who can't go even go to the shop or walk the dog or go to friends' parties and generally didnt act 'normal'. I got myself so worked up and panicked I actually asked to be hospitalised. This is not how ostracised and alone anybody, let alone a person who panics should feel, and if through being open about my own life or by posting any useful webistes I find can help just one person I will be satisfied.
You are not alone& you will never be alone through panic attacks or panic disorder.
xxx

Sufferers in the Media

Andrea McLean pulls out of Loose Women due to panic attack

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/tv/2012/01/28/andrea-mclean-suffers-panic-attack-and-pulls-out-of-loose-women-at-the-last-moment-115875-23723544/ 

Positive Statements SelfHelp

I found this website very useful when I was researching positive statements I could tell myself once I was in a panicky situation http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_00000a.htm

Here are the positive statements on the website incase you do not care to read the all of the material. However, it is advisable so that you understand how important positive thinking can be in your daily routine.

- I am healthy and happy.

- Wealth is pouring into my life.

- I am sailing on the river of wealth.

- I am getting wealthier each day.

- My body is healthy and functioning in a very good way.

- I have a lot of energy.

- I study and comprehend fast.

- My mind is calm.

- I am calm and relaxed in every situation.

- My thoughts are under my control.

- I radiate love and happiness.

- I am surrounded by love.

- I have the perfect job for me.

- I am living in the house of my dreams.

- I have good and loving relations with my wife/husband.

- I have a wonderful and satisfying job.

- I have the means to travel abroad, whenever I want to.

- I am successful in whatever I do.

- Everything is getting better every day.

Diary 2 28/01/2012

Hello, I am back to write about my counselling session. It was with a lady around 40 who I told everything to. To be honest, it went really well and I came out very optimistic. Her approach was 'person centered therapy' where the counsellor helps the sufferer to find and understand the reasons of why they panic. If you wish to research this humanistic approach yourself here is a link - http://www.person-centered-counseling.com/
I think this is a benefit to the condition because the therapy looks at the cause of the disorder and not soley treating the symptoms which CBT does. This has made me feel positive about the future and more confident that I am in control of my life because I am analysing what is causing the anxiety, in my case I believe too many expectations from my parents, pressures of exams and being too smootherd growing up, leading to it being a culture shock when I had to become more independant. From this I am making a list of confidence building excercises which will help to show me that I will be fine doing things by myself and that nothing bad will happen that I cannot handle.
I am still on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy and am sure I will be for a very long time! Even though it is taking me awhile to have a session with the NHS, don't be disheartened by my experience as waiting lists could vary depending on the population of the area and how many counsellors there are. I have another PCT session the same time next week and I am hoping after regular sessions my confidence will grow and I can begin my list of goals.
Although I do have a momentary lapse of confidence sometimes, counsellors would not be in employment if it were not for people with conditions like panic attacks or panic disorder. If you do find that NHS counselling servies are taking longer than you would like to wait, there are many private counsellors with a variety of different approaches that you could speak to. It is important to remember that they must be a member of the British Association of Couselling and Psychotherapy to ensure they are practising to a correct professional standard. The online link is http://www.bacp.co.uk/.
Sessions with private counsellors may cost around £30-£50 an hour and they will advertise on the internet or in directories.

My First Panic Episode

I thought it would be useful to write about a panic episode I had which led to me developing panic disorder. Many of you will be able to relate and this may make you feel abit better as you'll know you are not the only one.
My mother and father were on holiday in Turkey and I was on my way back from University as my seminar had been cancelled. I used to find it particulary uncomfortable travelling on public transport but could usually control my anxiety so that it did not result in a panic attack.
I was walking through the city centre towards the bus station when I started to panic about the size of the crowds and remember saying to myself "oh my god there's loads of people here" I dont know why this panicked me, but I began to walk faster. I got to 'Next' and felt the need to run into the female toilets as I felt breathless and panicky. When I got there a wave of panic swept over me and I was literally jumping up and down to release all of the adrenaline I had. I started thinking to myself that I was so panicked I would not be able to get myself out of the bathroom, out of the city centre or even onto a bus and that I was 'stuck' there. Although it seems daft as I sit here in my own home, it was the scariest moment of my life and the thought that my fiance was 200 miles away at his army barraks and my mum and dad were out of the country, scared the absolute life out of me.
 In the end I rang 999 crying uncontrollably because I was convinced they were the only people that could help me. They alerted the staff and a kind lady came into the bathroom to talk to me. After half an hour an ambuance man arrived who took my heart rate and tested my breathing to asses whether i was having a panic attack. I told him how i felt and he flatly told me that there was nothing he could give me and that i was the only person who could get myself home as he wasnt a taxi service. As you can imagine this was very traumatic and after giving me the once over in the hospital and telling me the psychiatic nurse 'wasnt there' I reluctantly paid £35 to get a taxi home.
I thought that this would be the end of my day from hell but that night I began to panic again. This time I was acting very strangely. Alone in the house I started to pull out of my hair in pieces and took my clothes off (yes my clothes!) because they were irritating me. I rang my bestfriend who promptly came round to calm me down. She told me she had felt like this and that it was just a big panic attack. This helped me a little because I knew it would have to subside or end at some point. I also rang my mum& dad in Turkey... big mistake.
Although they are very supportive, they began to panic themselves and told me that if i did not calm down they would ring somebody to come round and admit me to a mental health ward. I think this was the most trumatic moment because even though I was the most lost and vulnerable I have ever felt, I also felt alone like I was the only crazy person going and that nobody could help me. The next few days are a blur of which I spent in my mum&dad's bed trembling and crying.
From then on I have come on leaps& bounds. I may not get the bus but I certainly travel and attended my seminars at university, food shopping trips, began doing my driving lessons and started to rent my own house from which I am writihng at the moment. Why the treatment then you ask?
I believe that anxiety and depression are a cycle as suggested by leading psychologists. If youre not anxious your depressed because you have been or will be anxious and if your not depressed its because youre anxious. At the moment I am neither but can feel each could come on and I am not yet equipped to tackle them confidently and hope that counselling will be able to help me with this.
Although panic attacks, panic disorder or anxiety can seem like a bleak never ending journey, I am more than confident that it will and has to end.
 I write that with a smile on my face because I may not have 'come out of the other side' yet but I am still smiling and that goes to show panic disorder will not take over my life without a fight.

As a last point to think about when reflecting on your own experiences and circumstance, here is a short inspirational extract from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus which helps me to remember that I control my life and the panic disorder does not control me.

 "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul"

                

                                                                Goodnight x